I Swear You Will Be Fine

I know this is quite an irrational thought, and life mostly doesn’t work this way, but I often find myself wondering why this happened to us. On days when I am questioning why and how this could have happened, I also wonder why it had to happen to us. When I was younger and afraid of ghosts, my mum would comfort me by telling me that there was nothing to be afraid of, because I hadn’t done anything wrong and the ghosts had no reason to haunt me. I tried repeating that to myself too whenever I didn’t want to bother the adults with my fears – “Nothing bad will happen to me because I didn’t do anything bad.” With this logic, I also tried my best to be a nice person. So why and how could this have happened to us? I’m not saying we are saints, or that we are the “goodest” of the good, but surely we aren’t bad?

I find myself thinking about that a lot – what did we do to deserve this tragedy? I mean, I know we didn’t volunteer at a shelter every weekend or donate large amounts of money to charity, but whenever we saw an elderly person who looked like they needed help, we’d give them whatever money we had on us. If we saw a lost dog, we’d look around and only proceed with our day once we found its owner. If someone approached us for directions, we’d go out of our way to ensure that they could reach their destination safely –  Josh even booked a taxi once for an elderly woman. I know these aren’t grand gestures of kindness, but realistically, I also know these are things a lot of people wouldn’t do. So yeah, we didn’t build a well in an underprivileged country or regularly distribute food to the homeless, but surely we aren’t bad people who deserved what we got?

Jess wrote about God in one of her posts, and it got me thinking – I do have several questions to ask Him. The first would be, “Why?” Why did this have to happen to us? Whenever good things happen, people often thank God. “Thank God my loved one survived surgery” “Thank God my child got into a good school” “Thank God I won the lottery” But what about when life is absolutely horrible? What do we say then? If life is just one bad thing after another, then what’s the whole point of it? I know some optimists would turn this statement around and say that life is also one good thing after another, but honestly, when you’ve been hit with several bad things over and over again, is it really light at the end of a tunnel, or is it just another tunnel? And if life is just one tunnel after the other, then what’s the point of walking through them at all if it’s just a long stretch of darkness?

I was telling your mum yesterday that I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I’m still doing my best at school and I’m still trying my best to live for us, but if I received news tomorrow that I’ll be dying soon, I’d throw a huge party to celebrate.

Someone once told me that maybe Josh had “bad karma” from his previous life – this was one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. What does one expect me to do with that mythological piece of information? Based on that person’s logic, does it mean we’ve all racked up enough “bad karma” to deserve this?

I’m not writing this post to say, “Oh look how outstanding and extraordinary we are!”, I am aware that we aren’t the best people in the world. I’m merely wondering aloud why actual bad people – murderers and rapists, people who have clearly racked up “bad karma” – are allowed to lead peaceful and even wonderful lives. Is that what we have to do to have a normal life, bad things? They say that nice people get bullied, and I know that might be true… but by the universe too?

I know I sound like I’m rambling in this post, but it’s just so baffling. I promise I’m not angry at God or the universe (well, maybe a little), and I won’t become a bad person just to take revenge. In fact, I somehow think I’ve grown to root for others now more than ever – I almost need happy endings, even if it’s not my happy ending. Maybe I just have to accept that this isn’t how life works. It isn’t about how much “bad karma” you’ve accumulated, how nice you are to strangers, how many good deeds you’ve done. Life just happens to people – good and bad. It’s unfair, but there’s no justice system we can take this problem up to. Some people just have it easier; some have it harder. Why? Maybe God knows. I’ll be sure to ask Him when I see Him… maybe file a complaint too.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha