I Swear You Will Be Fine

I’ve learned a bunch of new things this year. I know the year’s not over yet, but I feel like I’ve discovered so many new things about myself, about the people around me, and about life. I am also aware that I’ll probably keep learning new things as the months pass, and this post will likely be followed by a part two at the end of this year. Spoiler alert: I can’t say these are nice or great things I’ve learned. I guess I’m just writing down what’s in my mind.

The first thing I learned the most about was probably crying. No surprises here. I’ve learned that you can cry while putting contact lenses on – I learned this early in the year. I learned that if you cry while putting makeup on and you don’t want your tears to stream down your face, you can just tilt your head down so the tears fall straight down without disrupting your makeup. I learned that people care less than you might think. Or rather, you can care less about what people might think. I learned that while crying in public. I never thought I’d do it, being someone who doesn’t usually cry in front of others. But this year taught me that if you just take out a tissue and dab your eyes or sniffle in public, it’s really okay.

The next important thing I learned – probably the most important – is that people’s opinions don’t really matter. There’s a cheesy quote, a wildly overused one, that goes “people who mind don’t matter, and people who matter don’t mind” (I cringed typing this out)… but it’s true. Those who are bothered by my emotions or pretend they don’t exist really don’t matter as much as I thought they did. And people who truly matter, the ones who truly care, don’t mind that I randomly cry in front of them – most of the time they end up crying along with me. This year showed me that I had more fair-weather friends than I thought, and maybe I would have been sad about that if this truth had surfaced last year. But this year, I could hardly give a bleep. I think at this point in my life, having lost so much in so little time, I couldn’t care less about people who don’t matter.

Adding on to that point about not caring what others might think, this year I’ve learnt to care so much less. I mean, at times I still surprise myself with how disappointed I get when someone who has repeatedly disappointed me disappoints me again, but most of the time, people’s opinions no longer bother me. My boyfriend passed on by suicide while I was overseas with my family, I think I’ll live if people don’t like me. And at the end of the day, I like myself, my boyfriend (who is a darn good person) likes me, so I’ll be okay.

I’ve also learned to think more about things. Not that I didn’t think before, but I’ve started thinking about things that I’ve never really paid much mind to. For instance, I have a note on my phone that lists my funeral plans (don’t worry, I don’t think I’m going yet). I created this note shortly after Joshua passed. It was a dark time, I’ll admit, but I kept the note because I think if I ever go, I’d hope to go in a way that suits me. I hope to have my favorite songs played, the way Joshua had his. In a way, Joshua is lucky enough to have family and friends who knew what he would like. I’m not that lucky; I have to take care of myself (even after death, haha). I also think about things – physical things. I never considered this at all. Where do you people’s things go after they pass on? Now I know that they don’t go anywhere. No one packs it up, no one touches anything their loved on has touched. Everything is left exactly the way it was. I wish Joshua knew this. I wish he knew that his room would stay exactly the same.

Like the post I wrote some time ago, I understand more. You know in movies when they show a scene of a couple dancing on the beach or sitting together on the train or something, and then they abruptly switch the scene to the girl sitting alone at the beach or on the train? And the color of the scene is vastly different too – the happy scenes are yellowish and bright, and the sad scenes are blue or gray? I get that now. I was on the bus the other day thinking about how we’d be on the bus talking and laughing, and I suddenly saw me. I saw myself sitting alone on the bus having a flashback to a happier, yellowish-colored scene of us talking and laughing. I get these when I’m in your room too. I look around and I can see us dancing or doing silly things together a few weeks ago. Then it’s like I’m hit by the bluish-colored scene of myself standing alone, and a voice whispers, “Oh, actually, it’s not a few weeks ago. It could be a year ago now that we were standing here together.” How interesting, understanding things I never understood. Learning things I didn’t ask to learn. Sometimes I wish I didn’t understand. Sometimes I wish I didn’t get to learn.

As usual, I can’t wait to see you again, Josh. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha