I Swear You Will Be Fine

The most amazing thing happened 2 nights ago.

As usual, the ends of the months are heavy. Despite trying to be distracted with various social events, the thoughts continue to plague me. Could this have been avoided? You look so happy in so many of our videos. It’s all so hard to believe and accept despite being 8 months along.

In my usual routine, I switched on the flameless candle next to your picture on my bedside table and kissed you goodnight. I then arranged the pillows again on the side you would sleep on when you used to sleep in my room- on my left. I had ordered a couple of deep purple plum cushions that were delivered that day. So this time I arranged the beautiful cushions together with the pillows. I’ve also started sleeping more to the centre of my bed. Not sure why. Maybe to be closer to the pillows? Or maybe to be more centred when I watch TV. As I fell asleep, I looked at your picture and asked you to please, please visit me in my dreams.

In the middle of the night, I felt someone get into my bed. The person lifted the duvet and snuck under, almost fully covered up. And this person got in on my right -because the pillows and cushions were on my left? I lifted the duvet slightly and the person was you!!! Whoo hoo! I kissed you several times and said goodnight. And you also said “love you good night”, in your usual drowsy way.

Milliseconds later I woke up, and realised it was a dream. But I was not sad. It was so, so real. And you looked so happy and peaceful.

I can’t explain it any other way. It really, really felt like it was you visiting me. And that’s all I needed.

Recently, another mother posted a song on The Compassionate Friends. 

Dear Mom,

It rained up here in heaven today

and I thought “what is going on?”

and then I could hear a tune

accompanied by a song.

I sighed and thought to myself,

“It’s my Mom that’s making it rain,

the darkened clouds up here

are caught from my Mom’s pain.”

So I came down to visit you.

I gave you a hug and gentle kiss.

“I’m ok up here Mom,

it’s my presence that you miss.”

I wiped away your tears

in the hope the rain would dry.

We need your happy memories

to light up heaven’s sky.

I sent you down reminders

and I hung around a while,

and I only left again

when I saw you smile.

by Joanne Boyle

How true this is. Thank you for visiting me, wiping away my tears and making me smile. I will try to be happy to light up your sky.

Love,

Mum