I Swear You Will Be Fine

I was at Novena a few mornings ago. There was a meeting and I was very early. So I was looking forward to camping out at a cafe for breakfast. But once I parked my car, I got increasingly agitated.

I literally walked from cafe to cafe for several minutes, not being able to decide on one.

I first walked towards Starbucks. I was metres away from it before I turned around. That was where you and I had coffee together last. It was the last visit we had with Dr A. It went well, and you were in great spirits. We did a little bit of shopping for Ammamma and Patta’s wedding anniversary the next day. Shalini was coming along and you were quite excited. After that we went to Starbucks. I had ordered my favourite Christmas drink- toffee nut latte, and you, your usual Americano. Strangely, you were not in a rush to leave like you usually are. You even took a sip of my sweet drink which I was so happy about. You would normally never do that. It was less than 2 weeks before you would leave this earth.

But I also realised the triggering was not mostly due to our last visit. It was more about the multiple visits to Novena we had in the last 9 ½ years. Novena became the place you and I visited the most. And that’s because almost all of your appointments were mostly there. From one of the first psychologists you saw, to the many others you would see, and of course Dr A, who we saw minimally every month, and sometimes as often as weekly. As I walked through the buildings, that feeling of extreme worry and apprehension came on intensely. The worry about how your sessions with your therapists would end, what Dr A would recommend, what you were upset about, how serious the situation was. The drives you and I would have on the way to and fro, many of them in silence because you were too low to say a word. It all came back, almost to the point of me being nauseous. I was also weirdly worried I would bump into Dr A’s receptionists. Luckily, one of my colleagues joined me soon after and I got distracted.

I spoke to Jess about it that night. And we decided I wouldn’t be rushing to Novena in the near future. Why make a difficult time even more difficult. I should be able to live avoiding Novena.

You tried so hard Josh. Always so compliant- the best patient anyone could have asked for. Never missing appointments. Increasing therapy sessions when you felt low. Your last therapy session was less than 72 hours before you passed. Your next appointment with Dr A was less than 36 hours after you passed. It’s so sad that nothing could help to change this ending. Such is the devastation of severe BPD.

But as always, I feel the end of your suffering, and the beginning of your peace. All these efforts allowed us to see you grow into a fine young man. So we should be grateful for that.

Love you darling,

Mum