I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dissociation is the concept of emotionally detaching oneself from one’s immediate surroundings. A heightened severity of such disconnections from reality can lead to memory gaps. I’ve actually dissociated a few times in my life – all of these situations in which I’ve unknowingly dissociated are ones I didn’t want to end up in; and dissociation, I assume, was my mind’s way of protecting myself (Josh was the one who actually discovered this with me when I told him about my experiences!). Dissociation can also happen voluntarily as a coping mechanism. Again, Josh was the one who told me that whenever I dissociated voluntarily in the past, I was coping.

Sadly, dissociation is also a common symptom of BPD. For Josh, dissociation happened periodically and randomly with inconsistent severities. Josh confided that it was difficult to manage it sometimes, and he occasionally needed someone to help him “snap out of it”. I’ve seen a few of these dissociation instances of his, and I think the most apt way to word it is: he harbors an unrecognizable look in his eyes. This look isn’t just sadness – I’ve seen the sadness in his eyes before – this look was like an unfamiliar being sort of took over him. I saw a mix of fear in his eyes along with the sadness in these dissociation episodes – it was as if there was a little Josh inside him going, “I don’t know what’s happening right now and I’m afraid.” I think he has said that before too. He wasn’t in one of those dissociation episodes when he said it, but he said that he was afraid of what he might unknowingly do during these episodes. If I recall right, he told me this sometime in October. He wasn’t upset when he said it either, I think I could only see fear and resignation. We were just talking, both in a good mood, when we got to a deeper level of conversation and he mentioned this. I didn’t know how to manage this situation – what could I do if he unknowingly does something to himself? Would I be able to stop him? What if I wasn’t physically with him… could I help protect him then? I think I responded to his confession with a tighter hug and made him promise me to tell me if he ever thought he might slip into an episode. To be fair, he did tell me whenever he thought he was slipping. I think he just didn’t know it sometimes.

He has shared with me multiple instances of himself dissociating. During our trip to USS with the other girls, he confessed after that he had started dissociating periodically in the later half of the day because he was starting to get tired and bored. I knew this then, when I saw him dissociating while we were queuing for the rides. Whenever I’d notice him slipping, I’d try to distract him with a conversation or a game. I think on the USS day, our presence helped a little. These dissociation episodes occurred during lectures too whenever he got tired. To distract him, I found an online, very wonky game, and we named it “the crazy car game”. Whenever I thought he looked a bit “out of it” or tired, I’d suggest playing and his mood would lift. He would feel apologetic after though, and say that I don’t have to do this with him. I’d always assure him that I was happy to; there’s no reason for me to ever resent him. Oh Josh, always apologizing for things that weren’t his fault. Little did he know, I’d gladly do all these silly distractions all over again. Whatever I can do to keep him around. I miss that a lot too – playing the “crazy car game” in the middle of lectures.

There was another instance, a severe episode that occurred when he was alone at home. I tried texting him but he didn’t reply and I got worried. When I called him, he picked up and I could tell through the video call that he was in the middle of an episode. He told me that he had found himself sitting at the ledge of his kitchen window, unsure of how he got there. He said only snapped out of it when he saw his neighbour look out their window – he was afraid that someone might have seen him. He shared that he didn’t think he was going to jump, he didn’t want to, but he was just bothered that he didn’t know how he got there. I was bothered too, honestly. I didn’t know how to help because these episodes were something neither of us knew how to anticipate. There was no specific trigger too. When he was speaking to me, I could see the sadness and fear in his eyes. Sadness, I’m guessing, because he felt tired that he had to keep dealing with this. Fear, I think, because he didn’t know how to control it. That night, we talked for a bit on video call, and we ended the call with our usual smiles and laughter. We spoke later that night too, after his mum came home and they had a chat.

I do have to say though, it wasn’t always difficult to snap him out of it. I think it helped that I’m so full of nonsense that I can easily come up with the most ridiculously funny things to do. Once, I made him put an ice cube in his mouth and do burpees or push ups. He was upset and going through an episode, and I dragged him to the kitchen to get an ice cube. I did it with him, so that he’d feel less alone, and imagine this: the two of us with ice cubes in our mouth doing lame workouts. At the end of it, I was panting (obviously, not a workout person) and he still seemed upset. I knew that he was still not feeling great, but I decided to try asking him if he felt better. I remember his response so clearly, he said, “No. I’m still upset and now my mouth is f—— cold!”. After he said this, we looked at each other for a second before I couldn’t help but crack a smile. I knew it worked because the look in his eyes was gone. He tried to hold it in but burst out laughing with me after he saw my smile. That was it – ice cubes and a lame workout saved the moment. But again, the severity of these dissociation episodes were so inconsistent that some days ice cubes and a lame workout would work, and other days a long hug would barely make it.

Sometimes I think that’s how this happened. Maybe Josh dissociated so hard, he couldn’t snap himself out of it. I heavily blame myself for this. Maybe if I was here with him, ice cubes would have worked. If not ice cubes, maybe some other silly idea I’d have no issue coming up with. The only consolation is that at least we now know he’s fully happy with no more dissociation and no more need for ice cubes to break through the episodes.

Josh, I still have a bunch of silly ideas though. Not all of my silly ideas were for these episodes… they’re just things I’ve been wanting to do with you. Next time we see each other then! I can’t wait. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha