I Swear You Will Be Fine

Strange thing to write about…

I think it started when you were about 3 years old. We had gone to Aunty Patti’s house for dinner in Sydney. She had the most beautiful of gardens with a small pond, full of multi-coloured Koi fish. You were the cheekiest of monkeys. I am embarrassed to say I hadn’t even realised you were missing for a few minutes. But as I was walking out into the garden, you came walking towards me, totally dripping wet. “What have you done Josh?” I asked you, more terrified about what Aunty Patti was going to say to me. “I went to see the fish!”, you replied with not an ounce of guilt or remorse. Perhaps more like an accomplishment! Anta, S. Mami and I had a good laugh. Aunty Patti wasn’t very amused though. But you got away with it relatively mildly.

Strangely, this became a recurrence in your life. When we were in Bali for Patta’s 60th birthday, you and Dad were walking ahead of us. Within seconds I heard a splash. I still don’t know exactly what happened. There was some talk of looking at a frog? But when I next saw you, Dad and you were sitting in the pond, looking at us sheepishly and very, very wet.

It happened again in another resort somewhere in Asia. But I don’t recall exactly where. Maybe Phuket. You were never afraid. It was almost like you “intentionally” fell in the ponds, for various reasons, and came out laughing away. Your expression was always like, “see I did it again!”. I can’t remember if I scolded you. I vaguely remember my feeling as “here we go again”.

What a happy, playful kid you were. It’s like the universe played a trick on us. None of us would ever guess how your would change, and how all our lives would change. But I guess that is what life is.

In one of my favourite books, “When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi, he speaks factually about the path of life and death.

“It simply was. It was a fact about the world, like the distance from the sun to the Earth”.

So very hard to accept, but that is what it is.

Without the BPD in heaven, I guess you are jumping from pond to pond now Josh. I hope you are loving it. Sometimes show me a sign ok? And tell me, “see Mum, I did it again!”.

Love you darling,

Mum