I Swear You Will Be Fine

I think Josh would be highly gratified if I listed all the things he was better than me at. I could never admit them to his face, but I think I have to talk about some now.

He was the most disciplined person I knew. A lot like our grandfather — if he decided he was going to do something, he did it. He put my mum and me to shame when it came to exercise. I restarted swimming during university, and when I came back for the holidays, Josh was slower than me when we did twenty laps. My aim was to do thirty laps by the end of summer. Josh got to forty. I didn’t hit thirty.

He was so much better with kids than I was. We’re both the eldest by almost ten years, so we babysat all our cousins and family friends. The kids always looked more excited if Josh was looking after them than me. I don’t blame them. I tolerated children; Josh adored them. I have so many videos of cousins bashing him during pillow fights or playing Lego on the floor with him.

He was the artsier sibling. He could draw and paint and imagine — I could not. The same applied to music. Before he stopped lessons, Josh was on par with me in piano despite being three years younger. He taught himself to keep playing through YouTube videos and could sing at the same time. Apparently Josh thought I was a better singer than him (even though he never admitted it to my face). The first video Shalini sent us of Josh playing piano and singing for her was of my favourite song ever. I still think that was the first sign Josh sent me. I don’t think he could have done better.

He did better than me in exams. My brother beat me in the PSLE. If I were him, I wouldn’t have shut up about it. I don’t remember him rubbing it in my face (though of course he did with other things). He was so much more responsible than me with the dogs. He did everything for them. He was more selfless than me when it came to our family. He would help my grandfather walk without having to be asked. He knew what to say to Ammamma to avoid upsetting her. He was more conscious of my mum’s feelings than I was.

It’s very hard not to feel lost without him. We had so many people over last night, and still I kept getting flashes reminding me that he’s not here anymore. It’s almost a physical need to push the reminder away just to keep going. Without Josh here to remind me that he’s better than me, it can be very tempting to stop trying. I like to think he sends us signs to remind us that that isn’t an option.

Love, Jess