I Swear You Will Be Fine

Not a day goes by when I don’t think of the “what-ifs”. What if I had increased your meds? What if I had taken this more seriously? And the big ones. What if I had stayed home that night? What if I had come home earlier? Sometimes the “what-ifs” go to decisions made many years ago. What if I had left Dad much earlier? What if we didn’t move to Singapore? It never ends. The rational part of me (when I am rational), will tell me this would have happened at some point. But sometimes, and maybe often, it’s the irrational part that wins. And it is a sinking, guttural feeling. 

But today’s post is not about my regrets. It is about yours.

I saw a post on Tik Tok the other day. Yes, I am back at it. I couldn’t look at it for months after you died. And then I started. Though now my reels are mostly about grief, child loss and psychic mediums. So there was this famous medium who was being interviewed. And he said he frequently speaks to spirits who have passed by suicide. And he mentioned that almost all of them said, if they had just waited a few days or weeks, it wouldn’t have ended that way.

I was devastated. For hours, that was all I could think about. I cope with your loss mostly by thinking about how you are finally at peace. Oh my. Are you regretting this? I couldn’t possibly live with that thought.

But hours later, I calmed down. Yes, there are amazing videos we have, where I know you were possibly the happiest you’ve even been (with Shalini). But over the last so many years, I feel there was this inherent sadness, almost all the time. You tried so hard to be happy, constantly looking for things that would give you joy and lift your spirits. Chasing WWE stars and other celebrities halfway across the world. And perhaps trying your hardest to do things we wanted you to do, a lot of it likely just to keep us happy. The last 6 months of your life I feel, were your happiest. There was a genuine level of excitement, and happiness, that only Shalini could give you. But perhaps, deep, deep down, the drowning sadness was still there.

So no, I KNOW you are not regretting this. And as much as maybe you miss us (again I think “missing” someone in heaven is actually not a sad thing), I feel your peace and happiness. So no, I don’t think your decision would have changed if you waited a bit.

Love you darling,

Mum