I Swear You Will Be Fine

Weeks after you died, I went with Sha and A for a couple of spinning classes. Until then, I used to think that “spinning” was actually about standing on some sort of a rotational machine and twisting your body clockwise and anti clockwise. Yes, yes, I know Josh. I can hear you say, “seriously Mum?”. Very silly.

But “spinning” in this post is not about the exercise spinning. It is about the spinning of the world….that just won’t stop, no matter what.

It seems to be a record year for travelling for me. I remember reading a book by the wife of an American pastor who died by suicide just weeks after you left us. And she had written that the year after his passing, she and her young family travelled more than they ever had before. And I was wondering, “how could they?”. But here I am, doing the same. Coping mechanism or whatever.

So it was a road trip to Malacca, with my girlfriends. This one, I know for sure you would have never wanted to be a part of. I tried to imagine you being with us, but it was difficult. You wouldn’t have been interested in the food, nor the culture, despite it being a UNESCO world heritage site. That may have been the only thing that interested you.

Again, lots of “7”s and “9”s on the drive up here. The hotel we were staying in seems to have crows as their themed bird! They pop up everywhere. While we were having breakfast, there was one sitting on the pole outside watching us. We finally managed to get to the gym (albeit for less than 15 minutes). And there was another crow sitting outside the glass door on the tree, looking at Aunty A and me. Aunty K later said you’re probably telling me, “what in the world are you doing Mum?”. 

Shalini was waiting for me to tell her about all the signs you would send me. In the mall, “starry, starry night” was playing. Quite an unusual song to be playing I thought. And in our hotel rooms, the colours of the paintings were purple and teal- the colours I realised 2 days ago that signify suicide awareness and prevention.

So often, I look around and wonder why the world won’t stop spinning. The absolute worst thing has happened. How can it keep spinning? 

It is like what so many parents write about in The Compassionate Friends. This one in particular caught my attention the other day.

Grief Math

One child missing.

One future erased.

One future shattered.

And yet the world insists everything still adds up.

But I know the equation is broken.

Because without them, nothing balances.

Izzy Roe

Bereaved Parents of the USA

The world just keeps spinning Josh. Sometimes I want to scream out, stop. But it won’t listen. And then I also wonder why I am spinning along with it. But I know why. If I don’t keep spinning, maybe even faster than what I was doing before, I would want to drown. Perhaps again, it is just an ounce of what you went through. So we have no choice but to keep spinning with it.

Love you darling,

Mum