I Swear You Will Be Fine

Based on my experiences and interactions with others, there are two types of silences that can occur between people. The first type is more common – the awkward silence. It happens when the conversation fizzles out between individuals who aren’t that close yet and can be, as the word suggests, awkward. When this silence happens, individuals who are stuck in that uncomfortable situation scramble for the next topic to talk about, attempting to rid themselves of the awkwardness. The second type of silence is a little rare and I think only happens with people who are close or those who are able to naturally match your wavelength – there are some people who easily get there. That’s the comfortable silence. It’s when the conversation ends, and silence sweeps the room, but not in an awkward way. No one is racking their brains for the next conversational topic. No one is feeling uncomfortable in the silence.

When we first started walking to the train station together, you said you had to prepare many questions to ask me to prevent the awkward silence from falling upon us. Being someone who is seldom nervous or awkward, I told you that it’s okay to walk in silence though I would love to talk to you. Turns out, we had a bunch of conversational topics and rarely fell silent. Whenever we did, it wasn’t as awkward as you thought it’d be. You even started a running joke where the second we fell silent, you’d say, “OKAY NEXT TOPIC QUICK QUICK” and I’d come up with something nonsensical like, “OKAY, would you rather only speak in a language no one can understand, or burp every time you take a step?” You love that I can come up with nonsense in a second, and I love that you always get my nonsense. This carried on in our relationship, but the running joke became increasingly infrequent because we hardly ever stopped talking.

Then there’s a third type of silence I experienced only this year. I haven’t thought of a name for this one yet. It’s the silence after someone says something sad – most of the time about you. The silence is not awkward. No one is trying to think of anything to say. We’re all just pondering and spiraling in our own thoughts as if we absorbed the sadness of the person who last spoke. The most recent time this silence happened was after someone said, “I think he is happy now, right?” and silence fell. Not because we don’t think you’re happy, but because we have absorbed the sadness and implications of that statement. My thoughts spiral to “Were you not happy here?”, “Are you really happier now?”, “Are you still with us?”, and more. It’s only after I snap back to reality that I notice a couple of minutes of silence have passed. And it’s only after I look at everyone else that I realize they’ve all been in their own thoughts too. Is this the grief silence? The spiraling silence? The sad silence? Filled-with-regret silence?

All I know is this silence is one of the scariest ones. The awkward silence, I can get over – we just create a topic and speak. The comfortable silence is the best – everyone is content. But this? This silence is difficult to process. Do I create a silly question to ask everyone? Definitely not, I don’t feel like doing that and I’m sure no one is in the mood for that. Do we all just sit in the silence, pretending to be comfortable and content? Maybe, but who’s willing to pretend? What we actually end up doing – the first person who snaps out of their thoughts – is finishing the statement. “Yes, I believe he’s happier now.” And the next brave person says something funny about you, “I remember when he would…” and it’s almost as if the silence never happened as we reminisce how funny, naughty, clever you are. Until… the silence happens again, and this cycle repeats itself.

I don’t think there’s a way past this grief silence – yes, I think I will call it that. Then again, the presence of grief in another form is a representation of the love we all have for you. Sometimes in the silence I can hear you say, “C’mon guys… You know I didn’t want to leave you all.”

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha