I Swear You Will Be Fine

Sad to say, we have kind of become experts on grief. Shalini captured it so well in yesterday’s post. One of us mentions something you said, and the hollow feeling returns with a vengeance. And then the silence follows. I didn’t even realise it until I read what Shalini wrote. And it is usually me trying to recollect something funny you did. Another coping mechanism perhaps.

In the weeks and months that followed your departure, we all dealt with your loss differently, as we continue to do. I also came to understand that different cultures deal with grief differently, with many, preferring not to “remember” the person, and almost erasing all traces of the person. My first exposure to this was when I returned from the crematorium. When we left, the house was overflowing with beautiful flowers from so many who wanted to send their love in any way possible. We returned to an empty house, perfectly cleaned, but also devoid of all flowers or anything to suggest a funeral had just happened. Over the next weeks, when I sometimes mentioned how difficult it was to walk back into our home, some suggested changing your room. Those of us who heard it were horrified.

Though we are all dealing with this differently, there is one thing we have in common. And that is, we want to say and hear your name, as often as possible. The more we hear it, the better. I even get a thrill from seeing your name. It’s a good thing your name is so common, and there are several little boys around being shouted at by their mothers…”Josh!!!”.

The other thing we do is still refer to you in the present tense. I worried so much about this in the first few weeks after you passed. And then one day, Shalini said to me, “I’ve decided I’m going to refer to Josh in the present tense”. And then I thought, why not? There is no Grief Ruler coming after us saying it should be this way and not the other. That decision took a whole lot of stress out of me. Will this decision change? Maybe. But for now, we will continue to refer to you in the present tense. Call it denial or whatever.

Recently when I was out with some girlfriends, Aunty A also constantly referred to you in the present tense. And more importantly, she constantly said your name. When we were walking through the malls and she was looking for clothes for her kids, she asked me, “what sort of clothes does Josh like?”. Stress on the “does”, and of course, the “Josh”. I was so happy, and fell into a spill about your love for varsity jackets. I even looked around for a shop that sold such jackets and pointed her to it. Much later, she said something else. “You’ve done so well with your kids, they have such a great relationship with you and will always be so close to you”. Anyone listening to the conversation would have had no idea about what had happened. I beamed with pride and almost cried.

So many of our friends and relatives continue to do this. Anta sent me a picture of a signboard warning of hedgehogs crossing. Aunty K recently said she saw a whole lot of numbers relating to you. All these references to you constantly mean so, so, so much. I hope they will never stop.

So this is how we currently deal with this grief. We say your name. As often as we can. And for as many reasons as we can. I hope everyone surrounding us continues to do so too.

Love you darling,

Mum

“Speak Their Name

I want to say their name,

I want to soak in memories,

I want to remember.

I want to be reminded.

So, when you are around me,

Please don’t be scared

To say their name

To share a memory,

To remember,

To be reminded.

Liz Newman “