I Swear You Will Be Fine

Just when I said I thought we had become experts at grief, the universe decided to punch us in the gut again. For something I didn’t foresee.

Jess had her exams a few months ago. At your funeral, some of our relatives suggested to her to take a year off. It would be too much to deal with your loss as well as study for intensive exams. But as you know, she pushed herself, and did exceedingly well. 

While the results came out a couple of months ago and we already knew she did well, the announcement of the prizes only came out yesterday. I was at home watching Netflix last night, when she FaceTimed me, sobbing away. She had received 4 prizes, and even placed for paediatrics.

But we all know why she was sobbing. Within seconds, I was sobbing too…both of us uncontrollably. I could hear and see people around her in the hospital offering her water. It was so sad.

And of course, it was because, if you were here, she would have FaceTimed both of us. You would have screamed for joy. You have always been one of her greatest supporters. Always super proud of her achievements. After all, you knew before she did, that she got into medical school.

There were several minutes that both of us just continued to cry. And eventually we got control of ourselves. I think Jess managed to get back to her meeting in the hospital, to people who had no idea why she was crying. And I tried to get back to my Netflix. 

For the next several minutes, I considered going to your room, to tell you the good news. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I am telling myself that you are right next to us, watching this scene unfold, and being happy with us. But it is so hard.

Jess’s achievements are beyond amazing. To have gone back to such intense studying and come out with such grades, is just beyond belief. Shortly after you died, we came across a note you had written to some of us a few years ago. Clearly the thoughts of suicide were plagueing you then. In that note, one of the things you had said to Jess was “you are going to do so well”. I guess you are making sure of this. That despite this massive loss, and the grief that engulfs her daily, you are right there next to her making sure she continues to shine.

And so, I, very gullibly, only realise now, that all good news from now, will be bittersweet. It will be with great difficulty that we try to hold back tears, for not being able to physically celebrate with you. While we try to tell ourselves you are right there, next to us, and watching us from above, the void is so huge and glaring. But this is what we will have to live with. And we tell ourselves, the pain is so great because the love between us was and is so great.

Love you darling,

Mum