I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

This is in relation to a conversation we had once! We were still friends, and I’m not sure how we got to this topic but you shared a favorite line of yours and I shared mine. Yours was “YABAGOOBIE” and your follow up text was “why? You decide”. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. It’s honestly so funny that this is what you chose to say. Realistically, you must have had a bunch of deep and illuminating quotes you’ve derived from years of books and TV shows. But, I do think “YABAGOOBIE” shows your personality. No one else would have said that. I am, unfortunately, not as fun as you are. When you asked me what my favorite line is, I told you that it’s “wherever you are, there you are” – reminds you to always be mentally present and know that no matter what, you’ll always have yourself. You liked that this was my favorite line. A few weeks after we had this conversation and we had started dating, we continued exchanging favorite lines. I showed you a note on my phone where I collect lines I like from books or even things I wrote myself, and you showed me the poems and short writings you’ve been writing since you were a kid.

Today, I’m going to share more lines with you. These are lines I either mostly agree with, or mostly disagree with – but all of them remind me of you.

This first one is from “The Alchemist”. I read this a while ago but honestly can’t remember the gist of it. I can’t say I enjoyed it as much as everyone else did. Maybe I should read it again. The line goes: When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. At this point in my life, I call bullshit. I have never wanted anything more than to meet someone nice and have a nice family. I met someone nice and perfect – you – and then the universe does this. The universe conspires to help me achieve what I want? Come on. Although, maybe you’d beg to differ. I guess the universe did help you get something you want.

The next one goes: my favorite mug broke today and I wonder if it would’ve been best to have never bought it. I like this one, especially now. Because I don’t think anyone ever thinks that. I think one would instinctively think “No, I’m glad I bought my favorite mug. It broke and I’m sad, but I’m glad I got it”. Hint: I’m not talking about mugs. I think I have to reiterate this from time to time. I have never, and will never regret getting into a relationship with you. If I could go back in time and carry with me the awareness of the inevitable, I’d be beyond happy that I get to do it all over again with you.

Then there’s the if death do us part, I promise to find you in every lifetime. Of course I would. Who’d be foolish enough to think otherwise?

The world is so much bigger than anyone who has made you feel small. I’m not sure if I got to share this one with you, but I think you learnt this eventually, especially towards the end of last year. You always tried to be the bigger person, and I remember asking you why. You responded with a level of emotional maturity that I can only decipher comes from experiences that have brought you a lot of hurt and copious time that you’ve spent ruminating on the hurt. I know that you knew it in the end, that the world is bigger than anyone who has made you feel small, but I also think the hurt caught up with you; you couldn’t outrun it no matter how fast you tried to.

This quote is yours: a lot has changed, now a lot means to me. This quote started meaning the world to me after we started dating. You wrote this quote in your birthday note to me too. The first time you shared this quote with me, part of your text to me said, “I can’t wait to be next to you while everything improves the same way you have improved everything in my life. One of my favorite quotes that always reminds me of you is ‘a lot has changed, now a lot means to me’” I wish I could put an image of that text in this letter to you too, but there are parts of the text that I think are personal, so I’m typing it out here instead. I’m immortalizing your beautiful words in this letter to you.

Last one: you make me feel like moss on a tree – which is to say you make me feel like I’m home, right where I am supposed to be. Now, this quote is super cute and aptly describes who and what you are to me, but I can hear you giggling and finding loopholes in this quote. “BUT WHAT IF A TREE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE MOSS!” Okay Josh, just let me be! I like this quote! Then you’d say, “Fine, fine… it is very cute but I’ve got a better one.” And you’d come up with something sweeter and funnier.

I hope you are as happy as you can be now. There’s nothing more I hope for. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha