Dear Josh,
These few days have been very difficult to get through. I think it’s been the same for the rest of your family too. Maybe it’s because another month has ended and we are hit with the reality of your absence, that another month without you has passed, that we are all still on Earth. We are as miserable as misery tends to be.
I think I have been trying not to write sad letters to you because I’m learning to be avoidant of my emotions as they are almost too tough for me to deal with. That being said, I have been crying a lot more these few days. It feels awful because I thought I have reached an acceptable point of grief (not acceptance) where I can carry it with me as I busy myself throughout the day, but it appears I am wrong. Every once in a while, it hits me again and I question if my functionality is a result of denial. Not sure what I can do about it though. Psychologists would probably say that being avoidant of difficult emotions is not good, but I can’t bring myself to deal with them and feel the repercussions – or dysfunction – for the rest of that day (or longer).
This letter was not meant to be sad, so I shall continue the rest of it talking about what I wanted to share with you. Though, you must be aware of this by now. I’m sure you’ve been sitting with us, laughing at our corny jokes, or critiquing the things we say. To sum it all up, Lynn, you, and I have a podcast now. This idea was merely a casual joke that we just decided to make a reality. We call the podcast “Three Wee Pees in a Pawd”. There’s a whole meaning behind each word, and I get a bit too excited every time I have to explain it.
Obviously, “three” is because we are a trio. This “trio” thing was actually created by Dr K, one of our favorite lecturers. She called us a trio once and it just stuck with us. She’s never stopped calling us a trio though, which I’m very grateful for.
“Wee” is because our group chat is named “wee wee wee wee”. I can’t explain this because we might get banned, cancelled, disowned… or all of the above. I’m not sure who would figure this out, but if they do, good for them! We do have the humor of a five-year-old.
“Pees” is actually supposed to be “peas” – like peas in a pod. But we spell it as “pees” because toilet humor is one that never fails to make us laugh. As others may have heard in our voice notes, we clearly laugh a lot more than we should at potty jokes.
“Pawd” is for “pod” – representing “peas in a pod” and “podcast”. We spell it “pawd” because each of us have pairs of animals with paws! Lynn has two cats, you have two dogs, and I have two bunnies. Therefore, we are the “Three Wee Pees in a Pawd” – a lot of thought was put into this, if you couldn’t already tell. I think you would be quite pleased with this though. I am.
In our pawdcast (I can spell it like that now, since I’ve explained it), we talk about grief, psychology, share personal stories that relate to the episode, and giggle over lame jokes. I think you would love this – we end every episode with a lame joke from each of us. There’s actually an explanation for this too! In the letters I’ve written you, I’ve always ended with a lame joke that I think you’d like. I’ve written one about Pokemon, Dune, Batman, etc. On the pawdcast, we also try to keep our lame jokes on theme!
So far, we have released two episodes, one a month, and plan to release more. I’ve been releasing them on the last day of each month for a personal reason too. The 31st/30th of each month is often one of the hardest, as we think about you on the last day of December. In a way, uploading these episodes on the last day of each month makes it a little less difficult – I can trick my brain into thinking of the 31st/30th as “pawdcast uploading day”. Another way of being avoidant? Possibly.
Out of all the things I love about our pawdcast, this next one is my favorite. The intro and outro of our pawdcast is you! Your piano playing introduces each episode, playing beautifully for the first few seconds until Knight’s bark interrupts. The last few seconds of each episode ends with your “ARGHH” from one of our voice notes. And, when Lynn and I introduce ourselves, you are introducing yourself with us too… but in French – also derived from one of your voice notes. Good thing you left us so many. I’m sure we will find spaces between conversations and opinions to include part of your voice notes in the future. I’ll make it happen for sure, and I’m certain Lynn will too. This is, after all, a trio project.
I believe you are happy with what we’ve done here. Not sure if we’re actually imparting any wisdom in the pawdcast, but I hope it somehow manages to help at least one other person. Who knows? Maybe toilet humor is actually funny to other people.
I can’t wait to see you again. Even though I write to you so frequently, it still feels like I’ve got so much to tell you. I love you more, always, and forever.
Love always,
Sha
Link to our pawdcast:
https://open.spotify.com/show/4sEuCCcR6ZVzeBHe4PiLxH?si=b4d6d40a4b5e4ee5
I Swear You Will Be Fine 
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