I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

In the very early days after you died, I was trying to understand how grief works. I poured myself into various books and articles. And I gullibly thought I could list out all of the potential triggers within the first couple of weeks, and then there wouldn’t be anymore new triggers to get me going. Boy was I wrong.

It took me a few days to write this because it had upset me so, so much, and for a long time.

There was an article on the Straits Times last week about the suicide of a 11-year old boy in July 2024. He had been repeatedly questioned by his teachers, and was made to apologise to another student for allegedly stealing something from that student. Before the school day ended, he was found at the void deck.

I usually want to read these things, because it gives me courage to continue with life- knowing that others have also survived such tragedies and are still trying to live. But this one got me completely.

Somewhere in the middle of the article, was a statistic. It was the statistic of the number of suicides in 2024 in Singapore: 314.

Is that what you are now? A statistic? You were one of those 314. The reality of this was absolutely brutal. My heart goes out to the family of the 11 -year old boy. In so many ways, it must have been so much more difficult than it is for us. He was so much younger. And he was fine that morning when he went to school.

But selfishly, I could only focus on you and my grief. It really comes out of nowhere. One second I was engrossed in my work, and the next, I was totally falling apart. I had to lock the door of my room several times that day to stop colleagues from seeing me cry. And when I was seeing patients, I spent more time listening to their lungs so I was mostly standing behind them and they couldn’t see me tearing. It went all through the day, evening and night. I tried to go to the gym, and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I started tearing too. And after a very long while, I cried long into the night.

And it didn’t even stop there. The next morning, Aunty K and I sat at the bakery and broke down together, multiple times. Other guests must have been wondering what was going on.

It is an unacceptable end to life. It just shouldn’t exist. At any age. If I were God, I would eliminate suicide. And BPD. And cancer. And a whole lot of other things.

“Oh Mum”, I can hear you say. But don’t worry Josh. We will be ok.

Love you darling,

Mum