I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

You are always missed, but you are missed on Sundays more. That is the day I usually see you the most.

The Sunday that just passed was packed with activities as usual. One of your favourite cousins- Cousin S is here for a couple of weeks. 

We did the usual going out to the flower market to get flowers for you in all our houses. Shalini came along too and we got bright purple and yellow Gerberas. And then we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I don’t think you would have liked that- it was very noisy.

But in the afternoon, we played 2 rounds of Catan. And then went to a cafe for waffles and ice-cream.

And in the evening, we finally went to Patta’s club for dinner – the place you frequented the most for meals. It was the first time we did this after you left us and we were apprehensive. Shalini and I had already planned that we would just say you were at home studying if any of the familiar waiters who saw you growing up asked where you were. But I think you were there right with us. And it went as well as it could have.

I fell into a food coma at the end of the night and slept early. But not before thinking of the day and you.

I thought about the flower market and Chinese restaurant, and decided you wouldn’t have liked that. 

But I imagined you as the 4^th player at Catan, like you so often were. I imagined you taking the blue roads, settlements and cities as you usually do. And imagined how you would have played with us. Perhaps teasing Shalini, and warning Cousin S I would be going for the longest road. And I imagined you likely winning the games.

And then I imagined you going with us to the club. How happy you would have been to bring Shalini along. How we would have teased Cousin S together about his love for satay sauce. And how the 6th seat at the table was empty. We recalled where we had been seated the last time we had gone there with you and Shalini, almost 10 months ago, and just days before you died.

I must tell you about a couple of interactions between Patta and Shalini. At lunch, Patta saw her tattoos and asked her what they were.

Patta: When did you get them?

Shalini: A long time ago.

Patta: Can you remove them?
Shalini: Yes, but I wouldn’t want to.

Patta: Is it painful?

Shalini: To get it done or to remove them?

Patta: Both?

Shalini: Painful for both I guess.

Patta: Can I pay you to remove them?

Shalini: Not really.

Me: You know Jess is planning to get a tattoo?

Patta: She can’t enter my house.

Cousin S: Your father had tattoos.

Patta: That was a long time ago.

And then finally,

Patta: I’m only joking.

And then at dinner at the club just before dessert.

Patta: What did I order for dessert?

Shalini: Bread and butter pudding.

Patta: What did you order?

Shalini: Tiramisu

Patta: I’m not sharing with you.

Shalini: Well, I’m not sharing with you.

For anyone else to appreciate this conversation, they would need to know Patta’s and Shalini’s personalities. Patta, the stoic and generally quiet one. And Shalini, mostly the shy one. 

How absolutely ecstatic you would be about this blossoming relationship between Shalini and Patta. You would have been so, so, so proud. I told Jess about it this morning, and we both cried.

Thank you for orchestrating everything. Having Cousin S and Shalini with us as we approached another trigger. And for the very timely message from A telling us she bought us Hedgehog stationery. Everything came together for what eventually was a nice night. There is no limit to how much you are missed. But in the midst of all this, there are little blessings you are showering us with.

Thank you darling.

Love Mum.