I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I realized I haven’t talked about this yet, though I think this was a topic that was addressed early this year. Depending on the person I am talking to, I “make up” stories about our relationship. Well, technically, I’m not really making up stories or lying, because the things I say are very much true. I just… don’t tell them that you’re in Heaven… and pretend that you’re alive. Sue me!

I started my internship in September and before my first day even begun, I already planned what to say in my head if people asked me questions. I am only going to be interning for three to four months, and I am not planning on making long-term friends there – so I decided that I will be omitting the fact that you have passed. I also think that your departure is not something I want to mention for a variety of reasons. Not because I am ashamed or embarrassed, I am definitely not, but because I think people develop a certain apprehension when they hear that you’ve lost a loved one, especially a close loved one, to suicide. And, if I talk about you or us, I’d want them to listen without being obstructed by the thought that you’re gone or the stage of grief I’m in. Even though humanity is progressing, albeit slowly, towards having a less stigmatized view of suicide and suicidal ideation, I didn’t want everyone around me to be uncomfortable or only think “her boyfriend passed by suicide recently” whenever they see me. Plus, I wanted to talk about you, as I always do – and that’s always easier when people aren’t uncomfortable.

It’s obvious that I’ve got a boyfriend – your picture is everywhere – so I figured that people would eventually start asking questions. The first came from the other intern, a 22-year-old who seems quite nice. She asked if I was attached, and without hesitation, I said “yes”. No reason I’d say anything else. A few days after that, she noticed your ring that I wear in a chain around my neck, and asked me what ring that was. I just shrugged and told her that it’s my boyfriend’s ring. I got a bit worried then, because I hadn’t prepared what to say if people asked me why I wear my boyfriend’s ring. Thankfully, she didn’t ask any more questions. I do wonder if people think I’m obsessed with you. They likely do, but I don’t disagree and I’m unapologetic about it. So, if anyone brings up why I have so many pictures of you everywhere, I’d just shrug and say, “why not?” (depending on their tone and intention, I might even bully them back!).

I have also shared some stories of us with my colleagues, whenever they talk about their partners or ask a relationship-related question. I don’t make these stories up, I actually do the same thing I’ve always been doing – I talk about you in the present tense, and speak as if we have never stopped doing what we did. For example, the other day I mentioned that I was having dinner with your family and wanted to buy some mooncakes (which was true). Naturally, I had to keep sharing details and talking about you and your family. I said that even though you told me not to bring mooncakes because your family doesn’t really like them, I still wanted to – which is not a lie because I know your family doesn’t really like mooncakes, and I know you would have told me not to bring anything because you have said this multiple times last year… so, not exactly a lie, and not exactly made-up.

I do this in many other situations too, whenever I think the person I’m talking to doesn’t need to know what happened (again, for a variety of reasons. The reasons change depending on the person too). When your mum, sister, and I went to get our nails done, the nail ladies asked how we know each other. I casually introduced them as my boyfriend’s mum and his sister. They then asked why you didn’t come along with us. I think relatively quickly on my feet for silly things like that, so without missing a beat, I answered, “Because it’s girl’s day so there’s no reason for him to come along.” Again, this could be true! It was technically a “girl’s day” because we were out doing “girl things” and you might not have wanted to tag along even if you were on Earth (though I do think you would have come along just to accompany us), so technically… not a lie!

I actually kind of enjoy answering questions about you as if you are physically here. It feels like if I say it enough, I could will it into existence. Like, I could go to work and talk about our weekend and feel like it’s true. I know that it’s sad, but everything is sad now. So, why not? If talking about what happened makes everything feel worse, I think it’s okay to pretend a little.

It does get a little harder sometimes, though. The other day I was not feeling great at all and had to go to work as usual. I knew that my mood was written all over my face, and I did not manage to mask my sadness as well as I usually do. On days like that, it gets a little difficult. I want to tell people to give me a break because my boyfriend passed on recently, but I can’t do that because two days ago I just told them we were having dinner, and if I tell them that you’re in Heaven, I can’t talk about you as much anymore.

It’s hard to pretend sometimes, it really is. Pretending can start a little spiral when I break the fourth wall and think about why I have to pretend… how life got to this point where I have to pretend my boyfriend is alive. I try not to spiral, but it happens. I still think about what you would do or say in all the situations I face, but for this one, I actually can’t imagine what you’d tell me. I think you’d tell me to just do whatever I feel comfortable doing. And I feel like talking about you all the time, so I will, even if that involves a little pretending.

I can’t wait for everything I say to become my reality again – dinners with you and your family, spending the weekends together, exchanging jokes, watching movies… I can’t wait. I love you more, always, and forever. See you in a bit.

Love always,
Sha