I Swear You Will Be Fine

Darling Josh,

Over the last weeks as I was preparing to meet Jess in Edinburgh, I kept telling myself you wouldn’t enjoy this anyway. Periyammamma and Jess felt you would like it, but I didn’t. Until I got here.

Technically, you’ve been to Edinburgh. Many, many years ago. When you were the page boy for Anta’s wedding. We flew out of Edinburgh airport, but didn’t actually visit the city. You were a lot to handle then because of the outfit you had to wear. I remember taking you to the dressmakers to try on your kilt. And you refused to come out of the changing room. It didn’t help that A Mama told you the tradition was to not wear anything under the kilt. Until the very last minute, I was anxious you would refuse to wear it. But you did, and you looked dashing. You were more interested in the gadgets that came with the kilt- the knife in particular.

As I mentioned to Cousin S before leaving for Edinburgh when asked if I was excited- everything is now bittersweet. Can we actually enjoy moments of life? I would be lying if I said I didn’t.

As I walked across the tarmac from the plane to the terminal at Edinburgh airport, a very large, lone crow flew from plane to plane. I thought you were welcoming me to Edinburgh. But seconds later, I tripped on the stairs of the terminal. The elderly American lady kindly, but loudly, asked if I was ok. So perhaps, you were cautioning me more than welcoming me.

We have seen a lot. Jess and her friend A are great hosts. As we walked through the meadows next to the University, I just knew this was something you would have liked. You would not have been happy with the decadent hot chocolate I got there. But the walk was beautiful and tranquil.

The Water of Leith would have been another highlight for you. Like me, you also like to see channels of water. As always, I briefly touched the cold stream. It was so lovely. I may even go there again.

Victoria Street or the equivalent of Diagon Alley would have been another thing you may have liked. Although it was very crowded. So was the Edinburgh Castle.

Calton Hill is the place I think you would have liked the most. I think Jess was secretly, or not so secretly, afraid for my safety walking up those many stairs. But it was the most beautiful day. And standing up there, with the clouds moving so quickly but gracefully, I was not sad. It felt like that was the closest we would get to heaven, and so the closest we could get to you.

There is not a minute that goes by that we don’t wish you were here. So much of the last several years were spent walking on eggshells, and so, a constant comment we make is ” Josh wouldn’t have managed this,” or “Josh would have liked this”. One thing if for sure, if you were here, our meals would have been limited to Nandos down the road, or the McDonalds a little further. And even those would have been difficult when you were on your diet.

I hope our belief is really true. That you are right here with us. Today we are going on a Highland tour. Again, I’m not sure you would have coped with this. But now, I hope you will be right there next to us. As we walk down to the Milkman to get breakfast, and then to get on the bus to see more castles and the cows.

Love you darling,

Mum