I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I often see things that remind me of you but I get unsure if they are signs sent by you, if that makes sense. Unlike combinations of purple and yellow, the names of our children, or unique numbers, these are things I didn’t ask you for – they just remind me of you. Although, I think they could be signs because I read a book about signs earlier this year – titled “Signs” by Laura Lynne Jackson – and she mentioned the ways in which one could receive signs. I know, I know. You’d be so skeptical about these things, and honestly, I was too. But things have clearly changed. I believe they’ve changed for you too, now that you’re sending us these things. According to Jackson, signs can be anything you explicitly established in the beginning of your grief journey – for me, I texted you a long list of things I will be looking out for, just so you’d know. Jackson also said that signs can be spontaneously asked for, and I do that sometimes too – I have a terrible day and mentally ask you for something and it appears. She also added that anything that reminds you of the person you love is a sign from them, because it made you think of them even though you did not ask for it. That kind of made sense to me too, especially recently. It’s like you’ve put these things in our path to remind us of your presence. How brilliant!

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of yellow butterflies. I never saw them before, not even earlier this year, but these days they’ve been everywhere. I would see them fluttering around purple flowers at the bus stop. I’d see them on my way to work as they dance outside the bus window, flying away after I’d seen them. And these yellow butterflies remind me of you, though I’ve never asked you for yellow butterflies or talked about it with you when you were physically here. Last year, whenever we’d see butterflies, it’d be when we were walking home from school, and there would always be a pair of butterflies flying around each other. I’d point them out to you and say it’s us in another life, and you’d agree. We did that a lot – point at pairs of things and say it’s us in another life. And maybe it is. It’s nice to know that at least in other lives we are happier.

Another thing that reminds me of you – that I didn’t ask for – is a lone crow. You like crows and ravens, although it’s rare to see a raven where we are. Whenever I’m out and I see a lone crow flying near me or perching on a lamppost or signpost in the direction I’m heading, I think of you. Sometimes, I don’t notice the crow and it starts cawing really loudly until I look up at it – and I think, “Yeah, that’s definitely from you. I see the crow, Josh. Thank you! Please lower its volume now…” And it stops cawing. This happens quite frequently too. A crow flies alongside me or waits for me to reach my destination, as if it’s accompanying me. I used to be afraid of crows because of the scary stories I’ve heard, but now the lone crows make me feel grateful that I’m not completely alone.

Then, there are the people that remind me of you. I’m not referring to your family or friends, though they do remind me of you too. I’m talking about strangers I see in the most random places. Again, I’ve never seen strangers that reminded me of you before this year. The first boy I saw that vaguely reminded me of you was a few months ago at the driving center. I was standing at the carpark, waiting for my driving instructor to arrive. I was just people-watching when I noticed this boy with baggy black pants and a beige button-down shirt. He was sitting on the curb a few meters behind me with his elbows on his knees, hunched forward – the way you’d often sit. He was also wearing beige-grey headphones and had curly hair. I didn’t catch a glimpse of his face, but just glancing back and looking at this person, I got reminded of you. I don’t think you’d ever sit on the curb, or wear a button-down shirt to learn driving, but he bore some resemblance to you. I wanted to take a picture of him, without his face, for your mum or grandma, but decided against taking a picture of a stranger just in case I seemed like a creep. But I did text you after, saying I saw a boy who looked like you though he did seem a few years younger. I remember thinking I hope he has a good life.

There was another boy at one of my brother’s concerts that instantly reminded me of you. He was the emcee for this particular concert and was also wearing a pair of baggy black pants with a button-down top. To be honest, it’s not that you wear this style very often… I’m not sure why I keep seeing people with this outfit. Anyway, he had curly hair and a bubbly demeanor, and his name was Joshua. When he introduced himself, my dad turned to me and said, “Wait, what did he say his name was?” And when I repeated your name, he said, “Huh… and he has curly hair too, right?” For some reason, that made me want to cry. Emcee Joshua seemed like a very happy boy. I also hoped that he would always remain happy.

This last person, I couldn’t stop looking at because of the situational resemblance. It happened just a few days ago when I was having lunch with my family. This boy – with a baggy grey t-shirt, slightly curly hair, metal-rimmed glasses – walked in with his mum and sister. You’d have a t-shirt like the one he had, and you had metal-rimmed glasses before your new black ones. He had a slimmer face, smaller nose, smaller eyes, and braces – technically not very much like you, but his mannerisms were quite similar. He kept using his phone to check and adjust his hair, would periodically shake his leg under the table, sink into his chair in the middle of the meal… I was just in the table beside them, so I could hear their conversations relatively clearly too. He didn’t speak with a Singaporean accent, and what really tickled me was when he started speaking about his new girlfriend. He seemed younger – maybe 17 or 18 – but his eyes lit up talking about his girlfriend. His mum and sister were teasing him and at first, he seemed to be enjoying it – hiding his smile and looking away – but soon grew annoyed with them for asking too many questions. It seemed like something you’d do! He pulled out his phone to show them a picture of him and his girlfriend, and his sister made a sibling-like comment about the picture and he rolled his eyes. It was like watching you, your mum, and your sister. Again, he didn’t look too much like you, but there was quite the resemblance. I hope life works out for them all.

So, you get what I mean when I say I’m not exactly sure if these are signs. I surely didn’t ask for you to send different or mini versions of you. I hope this is your unique way of telling me that you’re alright and that you’re always around us. I really hope you are.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha