I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Holidays are nice. Quiet moments are also nice. But it is in these quiet moments that my mind starts to reel. I wonder if this is what it was like for you too.

In these quiet moments, I constantly go back to the last 3 months of 2024. How I missed the severity of your relapse. How I assumed you would snap back into it. How I thought you knew how to manage your illness better than me. How I was distracted to the point that I didn’t accept you were the one who needed me the most and was instead focused on work and social events.

Despite the multiple times I tell myself I did everything I possibly could, deep down, I still believe I should have saved you. If I had kept you safe just till Shalini came back. If I had kept you safe just until your appointment with Dr A less than 48 hours away. So many regrets. But deep down, I also know, had I saved you then, I’m not sure if I would have saved you again. Jess and I knew this would happen at some stage. It doesn’t make it any easier.

Seeing this beautiful city, my regrets are even more. How nice if you could have seen it. And perhaps my biggest regret at the moment, is that I should have arranged a holiday for you earlier. Would that have taken you out of your downward spiral? Perhaps even Edinburgh?

It was just not meant to be. So when we did the highland tours, and when I was on my own, I silently whispered to you, “Josh, are you seeing this?”. It was from a book I read very early on- “Finding Meaning”, I think. Where it said the persons you lost will see the world through your eyes. And that is what I am hoping. As I write this, I can hear a lone crow squawking. You must be agreeing with me.

As I climbed Dune’s castle, I missed you helping me up the stairs. Jess tries her hardest, but she is too small to help if I did indeed fall. But perhaps you were right there with me, as I cautiously climbed the very steep, spiral stoned stairwell. I asked you in my mind what you thought of the great hall, filmed in the first few episodes of Game of Thrones at Winterfell. And if you recognised any part of it.

As we walked around Loch Katrine, I just knew this was a place you would absolutely love. The stillness and the dark, black beauty of the water. I can only imagine heaven is somewhat like this. As Jess and her friend briefly left to do a short hike, I tried to skim a stone on the lake. We did this together in Osaka a couple of years ago. Well, I failed miserably. I could see you laughing at me.

And the part you would have liked the most, I think, was the highland cows, or the hairy coos. Jess bravely fed the cute fellows, at the risk of getting her hands slobbered with saliva. Another thing she did, knowing you would have done it.

And so, we have seen much of this beautiful city. It is probably one of the prettiest, if not, the prettiest city I’ve seen. While I’m sad you didn’t physically see it, I really hope you were with us, every step of the way, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.

We got you a gift. A little hairy coo.

Love you darling,

Mum