I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

As I have mentioned before, I still feel like I’m living in denial. Typing out “Day 289” felt like a punch in the gut. I type out “Day xxx” every other day and it did not hit me as hard as today’s one did. I can’t believe it’s about to be 300 days. I feel like I blinked and we are here. If I blink again, it’ll be 500 days, then a 1000, then more. I don’t want to think about that. I feel like you are close by, yet so far away. Just yesterday we were walking the dogs together, but it was also just yesterday that we lit candles for you a month after losing you. Just yesterday we threw a “party” for you on your birthday, but you weren’t able to make it. Just yesterday we “celebrated” Knight and Cadbury turning a year older, without you. I don’t think this makes much sense, but time feels like it has passed and it hasn’t at the same time.

Most of the time, I try to be as positive as I can be. I might be forcing myself to be bubbly, but I think it’s a “fake it till I make it” game – if I keep pushing myself to be happy, I might reach the acceptance stage (that’s probably not the right way to handle grief, and I honestly likely won’t get there). I’m not sure what else there is to do. On better days, I try not to think about your absence in a sad way at all. Instead, I think that you are still here. I reframe my thoughts from “I can’t believe you’re missing this” to “You’re seeing this, aren’t you!” I think that’s the only way I can keep going; that’s the only way I can cope – by telling myself that you’re not missing any of this at all. You’re still here, but happier.

We had a silly conversation once (amongst the countless silly conversations we’ve had) where I said I’m so fascinated by your brain that I’d love to pick it apart and analyze it with you. Now that I’m typing this out, it sounds so gory… goodness me. I hope you know that I meant it in an affectionate-wow-you’re-so-unbelievably-amazing way! Your reply to this was super sweet and witty. You somehow responded to my awkward statement with a pickup line…? Our exact lines were:

Me: You’re so smart I would take your brain out to analyze it
You: I give you permission to pick it with me then if it means we spend more time together

HOW GOOD WAS THAT? I’m still amazed by you every time I read our texts back. How did you even come up with that! Our fascination with brains and neuroscience clearly did not ever end. I mean, look at the plans we had for our wedding!

I miss you very much for all the reasons in the world, and this is one of them. You’re the smartest person I know and I miss the conversations we’d have. It just doesn’t feel the same, having conversations with other people. I miss you when I want to text you in the middle of a boring event I have to co-facilitate. I miss you when I long to tell you all the gossip from work. I miss you when people are being unfunny and annoying. I miss getting your opinion and having you agree with me. I miss disagreeing with you and hearing your counterargument. I know you’re still here, but I wish I could see and hear you.

I had a thought today that it would be nice to be able to see and hear you, maybe as a ghost. I was being irrational again, trying to speak to the universe. I asked for them to bring you back, but they clearly did not. I then asked if they could have you come back as a ghost or something, just so I could have you around me all the time – I’d be able to see and hear you and speak to you, though no one else (except your family) can. That’s not too absurd a request, is it?

Out of all the things I love about you, your brain is one of my favorites. And I hate to think that in the end, it was your brain that did you harm. Though it wasn’t your brain’s fault at all.

I hope this letter isn’t too scattered. I feel like I might have hopped from one point to another… sorry about that. I’ve been thinking more about our moments lately. Those moments with you have become my happy place. I think I’ll write about that in the next letter.

I love you more, always, and forever. I can’t wait to see you again. (I flipped the order again!)

Love always,
Sha