I Swear You Will Be Fine

Darling Josh,

We are back in London. I don’t miss you as much here. Nothing compared to how I felt in Edinburgh.

Perhaps it is because of how you were mean to London. Or how London was mean to you.

Driving out of Kings Cross, we went past Madame Tussauds. That was one of your earlier trips to London, and one before BPD invaded our lives. Jess recalled what a spectacular time you had then. Taking multiple pictures with your favourite characters.

But as we were approaching our hotel, I forced myself to recall the last time you stayed here. You would have been about 13. We had taken the train into London and were somewhere near Marlborough. I don’t even remember what exactly happened. One minute you were happily playing with your cousins. And then suddenly, your mood changed during dinner. Jess, Ammamma and I could see it happen immediately. It really was like Jekyll and Hyde. It’s like something just comes over you, and you have no control over it.

As we were waiting for the Uber to drive us to the hotel to meet Patta who had just flown in, your anger was imminent. And we didn’t know how to manage it. We were just hoping and praying your mood would switch back. At one point, you got so angry, we thought you were going to walk into an oncoming bus.

The anger continued all the way in the Uber ride and even after we reached the hotel. Patta was so excited to see you, but you were clearly in such a bad mood. Jess, you and I quickly tried to get to our own room hoping you would settle down.

That night, the Borough Market attacks happened. We woke up to several messages from friends and relatives all over the world. But all I was worried about was you. Thankfully, you woke up happy. And the rest of the trip was manageable. When I look back, I think to myself how I was scared of a 13 year old. It wasn’t being afraid for ourselves. It was being afraid for you. It’s sad that these terrible thoughts plagued you for so long. There are unfortunately many other unpleasant stories about you and London. I’m not sure I want to recall all of them.

But perhaps just a nice quick one. When we stayed at this hotel, I was fascinated with their beautiful table lamps at every lift landing. The base was an elegant bronze deer, with a deep coloured lamp shade.

You were always amazing at finding things online. Years later, and after Jess moved to London, you found a similar lamp online for me. It couldn’t be shipped to Singapore, so you got it sent to Jess’s house in London. It stayed in her living room in a gigantic box for more than a year before you finally got it shipped to Singapore. It now sits in our home. This is one of the nicer thoughts I have about the hotel we stayed in, and where I am staying now.

In December, when we were desperately trying to figure out how to get you out of your downward spiral, I briefly asked you if you wanted to go to London. Honestly, I was hoping you would refuse. And you did. Somehow this city didn’t work well with you and the BPD. And was the place for many unpleasant memories. I know you wanted to like it. But somehow couldn’t.

You are still on my mind darling, all the time. But I don’t feel as guilty being here because I don’t think you would have wanted to be. Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, I haven’t seen many crows since I got here. But London has become one of my favourite places in the world. And of course for Jess too. So I hope now, without your illness, you can love it too.

Love you darling,

Mum

This was actually on one of our better trips to London. But you still look grumpy.