I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

In the previous letter I briefly mentioned my happy place. There’s a story for this one, though it might be shorter than usual. Before I met you, I’d go to my mind castle a lot whenever I was in distress or feeling anxious. You’d say it’s dissociation, and I agree. It was a coping mechanism for thoughts that severely bothered me and caused me lots of distress. My mind castle at that time was any scenario I could imagine. It was never fixed or certain, but it worked pretty well at taking me out of reality.

This year, as you know, I saw a therapist for five sessions. Now, those who have heard stories of my therapist would say she wasn’t great. But I was quite pleased with this exercise she did with me. For my traumatic memories, some I can’t exactly recall, she wanted to do Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) with me. I know you know this already, but for the sake of explanation and storytelling, I’ll define it. EMDR is a form of psychotherapy that helps people process distressing memories and reduce associated emotional impact. During an EMDR session, the therapist would guide one to recall a traumatic event while engaging in bilateral stimulation – like side-to-side eye movements, hand tapping, or sounds that alternate from one side to another. It’s supposed to help the person reprocess the traumatic memory and make it less painful, helping the person move past said memory. And to clarify, none of these traumatic memories have anything to do with you. The memories you’ve left me are far from traumatic – even the sad ones. “Funnily” enough, I need to hold everything related to you close to me, even the sad ones where I know you were struggling. “Traumatic” isn’t the word I would use to describe those sad moments of ours. Anyway, I was hesitant to do EMDR because I knew that it would require revisiting some of these memories, but I ended up doing the first section of it anyway. The first part I was alright with – it involved creating a safe place in my mind to go to whenever I might feel distressed revisiting those memories.

She asked me to close my eyes, and she talked me through the process. For the first minute or so, I was asked to focus on my breathing and slow it down. Then, she asked me to picture an empty space, and I pictured a field. With her directions, I was led down a flight of stairs, to a room that I was asked to customize in any way I wanted. She asked me to tell her aspects of the room, how big it was, some details of it. I pictured a cosy apartment (she didn’t say it had to only be a room!). There were floor-to-ceiling shelves of Lego. There was a grey couch and a glass coffee table a few feet away. She talked me through walking around the space – feeling parts of the wall, taking note of the rooms, etc – building the space with me, basically. I walked through a corridor that led to three rooms. One was a little gym room, the other a mini library, and the last (and biggest room) was the master bedroom with a big bed in the middle and a picture of us above the bed. It was a comfortable and pretty apartment. We would have liked it.

Before I walked back to the living room, I thought, “This is my space, I can have anything – anyone – I want here.” So, I had you. You were sitting on the couch when I walked back to the living room. I walked over to sit with you, and I asked you how long you could stay here. And you said, “As long as you like.” I leaned back against the grey, cloth couch, and you were sitting right next to me. In that moment, I thought, “I could live like this. This could be my safe place.” She gave me a few silent minutes to be in my safe place before asking me to open my eyes and share with her how I felt about the whole experience. I told her everything except for the part where you were there, just in case she’d say something I didn’t like. She then said that whenever we did EMDR and it got too much for me, I could always come back to this safe place in my mind. She didn’t mention that I could use it whenever I pleased, but I thought, “Why not”.

I didn’t end up continuing EMDR after that – barely even begun, really. I stopped going for therapy before it could even begin. I don’t know if you’d be happy that I stopped, actually. You were always very much an advocate for therapy – you truly felt that it helped, and not just because we were going to practice. But I can still visit my safe place anytime I want to, even though I never actually went through EMDR. And in my safe place, I get to see you for as long as I want. It pays to have a good imagination.

People often say that their partner is their safe person, and I agree. Your partner should be your safe person (why else would you be with them, right?) You were mine when you were on Earth, and you are still mine now (there is never any doubt!). If anything, you’ve been upgraded to a whole safe place! I thought about it, and the place could not be safe without you in it. It would have felt empty without you. You really are my whole safe place.

I still go to my mind castle, though. I felt a bit sad to part with it after having it for so long. Now, it’s where I go whenever I’m thinking. It’s more of shelves of thoughts and books more than random scenarios. My safe place though, with you in it, is now my favorite place to be.

I can’t wait to actually see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha