I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

We spent the weekend with some of your favourite cousins. It is nice, but also sad. Knowing you should be here too. Manchester was one of the places in England you generally had a good time. I don’t recall any major incidents. I only recall playing Catan at the dinner table, which you did enjoy.

Even though we have been here since you left us, new memories pop in. As I passed by little A’s room, the room you slept in, I stood at the doorway, remembering how you were sprawled across the bed, playing games on your iPad.

Strangely, it was a few hours later that I noticed the Mario Lego, prominently propped up on the shelf of middle A’s room. It was the Lego I bought for you for Christmas. You hadn’t wanted it. But after you saw the box, and I mentioned to you that it could be returned, you had said it did look quite nice and you would think about keeping it. You had even told Shalini about it, and she had also asked you to keep it. I constantly wonder if you already knew you wouldn’t be building it. I don’t think so.

When we came here last, we gave this to your 3 cousins. They’ve done a splendid job building it, and it is now placed, almost regally, on the corner bedroom shelves. Before it was placed there, little A had kept it on the dining table near the glass doors, so you could see it from heaven. Seeing it made me tear, but also made me grateful- for how much importance it has been given.

Spending the last 48 hours with these 3 special boys has been lovely. When I watch the older ones especially, I see little bits of you. How big A quickly puts his head on my shoulder when I hug him, and the quirkiness of middle A, so much like you. And of course little A- remember how you preciously carried him when he was just days old? You were so proud to be able to do this.

They are the closest we will get to seeing parts of you grow up. They will also be the closest to siblings for Jess. I know you approve.

Learning to live with the sadness. That is what we are doing.

Love you darling,

Mum