I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I finally get why some old people are mean and grumpy and irritable. Maybe it is not always the case, but I think it could be a result of misery on the inside spilling out. Maybe they have lost enough people in their lives that they have become intrinsically, chronically miserable. That misery then overwhelms them on the inside and inevitably translates to irritability and anger at the rest of the world, at other people for being happy, for not knowing how miserable they are. I guess I’ve grown a little more empathetic towards those irritable elderly – they could be exactly like me on the inside.

These recent days or weeks have not been good. I’m not sure if it’s because the year is ending and I subconsciously know that I can’t avoid the anniversary of the worst day of our lives. I try not to think about it because it makes me feel so awful that I can’t get out of my sadness. I get trapped in the vicious cycle I once wrote about. I feel really miserable on the inside and for a while, I didn’t exactly know why. That is, up until a few days ago, when I realized that it might be because Halloween, my birthday, and the anniversary are all nearing. The rest of the year is going to be so tough. I have been so irritated at everyone. It took some minor reflection for me to realize that this is why some old people are grumpy. It’s not their fault. The misery just eats its way out.

I get a bit worried that I’m going to be like those people. Though, I’m not saying all elderly are mean and grumpy (I know of some who are the kindest people), I mean the minority who might be grumpy because they are miserable. I try to be as kind as I can, but sometimes I really don’t understand why people are the way they are (heads up, there’s an incoming rant). I am currently working on a group project for school (and if you know me, you know my feelings towards group projects) and I think some people are put in my periphery to test me on purpose – there’s no way one can be that big of a fool. You might be thinking, “Sha, how bad can it be?” No, Josh. Listen to this. I’m not being mean when I say this, trust me. And anyway, knowing you, you’d get mad at them before I do and I won’t even be able to get mad because the things you say to them (and behind their backs) would be too funny.

Anyway, this was what made me gently snap at one of my group members. For context, this person had not been contributing at all. He’d ask questions but never produce any work. This happened on the day of the submission of our research proposal. This member, let’s call him “L”, turns to me and asks me,  “So, what’s our project about actually?” What the actual bleep?! On the day of the submission, you’re asking me what our project is about??? After all the discussions we’ve had about the project and writing the proposal? I mean, I know that he was not contributing, but is he trying to be funny? After I calmly responded, L then said, “Anyway, this is just the proposal so it was quite easy to do right? The real one is the research poster.” Easy to do? Mind you, I did almost the whole thing on my own and revised it multiple times. So no, it was not “easy to do”. Maybe it was easy for him because he didn’t do bleep. Like, come on! My anger is definitely justified here, right? This conversation with him did not end after that, by the way. He continued until I finally lost whatever little patience I had and I’m half sure he was about to cry after I was done gently telling him my thoughts about him. Boo-bleeping-hoo. Is this the universe trying to test me more than it already has? Oh, Josh. I can actually hear you laughing at my rant… which is also making me giggle a little. Also, just to clarify, I was way more patient last year, before our tragedy. I think everything just made me realize that if I can still try my best at everything I do after what happened, other people (who have not gone through anything like that) shouldn’t be given an excuse.

Every single moment of my day I think about how much better it would be with you here. I really lost my other half, my best friend, my partner. How could this be? Life is so, so unfair. Why do other people get to have nice things and long lives while we get our “nice thing” cut short? “Nice thing” is also another inside joke of ours that I don’t think I can explain.

The most apt word I can think of to describe me right now is “miserable”. Maybe I should say that, the next time someone who knows what happened asks me how I’m doing. I’ll just have to make sure I can say it without tearing up. On another note, letters have been flowing out of me so easily these days! Could be the misery begging to be released. Nothing poetic though (I’ll try to think of one in a bit), it’s all just been a bunch of feelings.

I miss you so much. More than I usually do. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha