I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

A close friend of mine recently had a gender reveal party and I only found out that she was pregnant after seeing the pictures and videos from the party on social media. I hate to make this about me, and you know that if the circumstances were different, I’d be one of the happiest for her. But right now, I don’t know how to feel about everything. Of course, I’m as happy as I can be for her. I know that she must have been prepared to be a mum before conceiving, and I know for sure that she’d be a great mother. But my conflicted feelings do not come from whether I believe she’d be great or if I thought she was prepared – they arise from not knowing that she was even pregnant or that there was a gender reveal party happening.

Again, my absence from the party or lack of knowledge is all justified from her side. I must have been a terrible friend this year. This friend of mine, W, had also been really sweet all year. She’d send me songs related to grief, cute pictures of the children at school (she’s also a teacher; that’s how we met), etc – most of these texts I barely replied to as well. So honestly, I’m not surprised that I was not invited or informed. But… I still found myself feeling sad that I only found out through social media. I might be making this a bigger thing than it really is – after all, what’s some friendship sadness compared to the sadness I’ve already experienced, right? But… like I said, some sadness was felt.

After some reflection, I realized that the dilemma still exists – if I was invited to the gender reveal party, would I have gone? If she had informed me earlier, would I have replied? Would I have felt obligated to be happy for her? I imagine that these thoughts must have crossed her mind before she came to the decision she made. When I saw her pictures and videos on social media, I messaged her privately to congratulate her. It was a short message, but I think I managed to convey my sincere happiness for her. She replied almost instantly and apologized for not inviting me to the party. She said that she was worried it might put unnecessary pressure on me to show up or feign happiness. Of course, for milestones like these I’d never have to feign happiness (I’d put aside all my sadness and show up), but I completely understood where she was coming from. In fact, I am actually really grateful that she really thought for me.

But again (so many “buts” in this letter), I’m still sad I missed a friend’s milestone. She then asked if I would show up for her next milestone in December, but I’d unfortunately be away. That’s another milestone missed. I don’t know, Josh. I don’t know if I can truly participate in social events; if I’m ready for that yet. But if I don’t start soon, I’m going to miss out on all of my loved ones’ milestones. What should I do? I wish you were here to tell me what to do.

I think you remember this – W, this friend of mine, lost her mum around this time last year. I was at your place when I received the news and told you that I would have to go to the wake that evening. I left your place at about 5pm and made my way over, texting you the entire time. I remember struggling to craft a message to W before I left your place. I had no clue what to say. What do you say to someone who had just lost their mum? I had no idea back then, and I think I still have no idea now. You gave me some tips (between the both of us, you’ve evidently always been the empathetic one), but in the end… I had to ChatGPT a message to her… I’m terribly ashamed of this but I truly did not know what to say and you didn’t type the message out for me! After I sent the text, I showed it to you and you said, “Omg, that’s perfect, you sound really sweet. Good job.” That was your response before I told you I used ChatGPT to craft it. Your response after was said in bouts of laughter, “Jesus Christ. You needed to ChatGPT a condolence message? Okay, I need to train you. We’re gonna learn empathy, okay?”

Anyway, sorry for the rant about small grievances that are really quite insignificant when I properly think about it. Like I wrote a while ago – I will survive anything else that happens because I survived this. How did I survive this? Am I surviving this? Baffles me to this day.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Oh! I forgot to tell you – my friend is having a baby girl! “It hurts to see others living your dream”? Not at all. It’s actually quite nice to see others living your dream – like, if it didn’t get to happen for me, I’m glad it’s happening for you. I truly couldn’t be more happy for her. I hope I’ll get to babysit once in a while next time.

Love always,
Sha