I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Has it really been 300 days? It feels like another stab, deep in the heart. Sometimes everything still feels as raw as it did 300 days ago. I wonder if that will ever change.

I was watching a TikTok a couple of days ago, where this guy tells you how to connect with your loved ones who have passed while you dream. We talk often about this. Sometimes it feels like we don’t dream at all. Other times, I wonder if I have dreamt about you, but if I just can’t remember. So in this TikTok, he teaches you how to remember your dreams. You are supposed to be relaxed and take a few deep breaths. And then to imagine a white light from head to toes. And then of course, to think about your loved one. His disclaimer- if it doesn’t work, keep trying every night. I can hear you say, “what a load of crap Mum”.

But this is where we are. I would do anything to see you- in my dreams, in my “mind castle”, anywhere. So I tried it that night. I took a few deep breaths, but ended up coughing for awhile because of the very cold chocolate milkshake I had just had. And I thought of a white light- ok, that was a bit weird. But as usual, I ended up in my “mind castle”.

And in my mind castle….

You were also in my room in the hotel (which happens to be a triple room). I tried not to wake you in the morning. You said “morning”, in your sleepy way. You were not sad. You got up and came with me to Kave for breakfast. I had my salted caramel latte, and you had your iced americano. We went to TK Maxx together and did some shopping. We then met Jess for lunch. You had a burger, so did Jess. I had my full English breakfast, half of which I wasted. We then went to H&M and you tried on some clothes. (A few days before, Jess and I walked through the men’s section at M&S. We came across a beautiful deep navy blue cashmere jumper, with a collar. As my fingers brushed against the soft fabric, we said to each other, how nice it would have been to be able to buy this for you).

And then we came back to the hotel for a rest. In the evening, we went out to Covent Garden for dinner. We had actually done this with you about 3 years ago, and it had been a good night. We ordered the crispy squid and Japanese chicken with the baos. Jess and I shared a smoky beef hot stone rice. You loved all of it.

And then we went to watch “The Importance of Being Earnest”. You laughed with us. You were not stressed with the crowds and the queues. Even on the crowded tube back.

We ended the night with a chocolate milkshake from Popeyes. Which you also had, despite your dieting.

Jess and I actually did all of this. Missing you at every step, and wishing you were with us doing all of this, but also knowing, a lot of it would have been difficult with the illness.

Surprisingly, I woke up remembering a dream. In it, you were about 14 years, and just returning from school. And you were telling us about some homework you had to do. A completely normal, happy 14 year old.

Maybe the guy in the TikTok did know what he was talking about. I shall try it again tonight.

We have missed you incredibly, and especially in London.

Love,

Mum