I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Did you know that Season 2 of The Last of Us is out? It’s been out for a few weeks I think. But I didn’t want to watch it. I thought it would be too difficult remembering that we watched the first season together. You were so excited to watch it, mainly because it was one of your most favourite games, but also it starred two of our favourite actors from The Game of Thrones (Bella Ramsey and Pedro Pascal). You and me in my room, with all the lights off, under my duvet. And when it was going to be something gruesome, you would tell me to cover my eyes. I would weirdly watch it on the reflection on my mirror. Somehow that made it less scary or gory. I also remember you sometimes asking me questions, and I would get told off for not remembering a character or a particular scene.

I also remember you playing the computer game vividly. I would like on the couch watching you play. You said I would enjoy it because it was like a movie. And I liked Ellie’s character. So did you. Many hours were spent (you playing and I watching) with this game. I think you even ordered a signed poster or picture.

Well, my plan was to watch The White Lotus on my flight back from London. But I couldn’t find it, although it was there just a couple of weeks ago. And the season 2 of The Last of Us kept popping up. So I braved it and decided to watch it.

I remembered all the things you said when we watched the last season. How I found the opening intro a bit yucky. And you finding it quite artistic. Spoiler alert coming up.

I had forgotten that Joel dies in the game. So it came as a huge surprise when he died, fairly grotesquely, in just the second episode of Season 2. I almost said it aloud to you, “Josh! Joel died!”. Big mistake to have watched it in the plane. I cried when he died, I cried when Ellie had to bring his body back, and mostly, I cried when she returned to his house, and went to his wardrobe, touching and smelling his clothes. It was so sad. You would have been sad too. And when Ellie kept getting flashbacks of his death, I was reminded of yours.

I would sometimes tell you that one of the things I would miss if I was no longer on this earth, was subsequent seasons of our favourite TV series or movies. I also said it trying to remind you of what you would miss if you were not around. I guess it didn’t work.

Well, I hope you were with me watching it, even though it was on the plane. It was a big step I took, watching something I knew we would have watched together. But it went ok I guess.

Love you darling,

Mum