I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The feelings that are so difficult at the end of the month have this time continued into the next month. We are all feeling your loss so much more. Perhaps it is because the end of the year is nearing.

Lynn wrote recently about the first time she met Shalini after you left us. And I got reminded of the first time any of us had to receive the most devastating news that you had passed.

This was something I always thought about over the last few years. I always thought I would get a call from Ammamma, and she would be crying. And I wondered how I would know if it was you, or Patta. I used to imagine that I would only hear her crying first, and then I would ask, “Is it Josh?”.

But this was not how it was meant to be. It would be me to deliver the first news. To Ammamma, to the paramedics, and then to Jess. I tried to be the one to tell Shalini, but I couldn’t get through to her. And I could not bring myself to text her.

And so, everyone else had to be the messengers. I still can’t believe how Jess had the maturity and selflessness to think about Shalini. Though it was just minutes after she herself knew of your loss, she thought to ask Shalini to be with her parents before she told her the news. I, on the other hand, just blurted it out, not even thinking that she was alone.

It fell on Jess to tell the first of your close friends, and one of mine. Aunty B also frequently recalls when Jess called her, and how she nearly collapsed.

Mama had to tell Aunty K, one each from either side of my family, and of course Dad.

And Aunty K had to tell so, so many of our close friends. I couldn’t bear to hear her repeating the story so Jess asked her to use my bedroom. And when I walked into the bedroom at one stage, she was sobbing on the phone. Close friends called her back because they just couldn’t absorb the news. Many said, “wait, what did you just say?”.

And then other very close friends only received your digital obituary. And thought it was a scam. Because just a day earlier, I had shared beautiful pictures of our family for Jess’s graduation.

Everyone remembers the first time they heard the news. Everyone recalls it and talks about it with such sadness and with the heaviest of hearts. S Mami told me when Mama called her, she thought it was Patta. Aunty K knew something was wrong when she saw Mama’s number flash on her phone. Anta tells me she was on the driveway when A Mama called her. And the other S Mami talks of how she overheard the call from Uncle C to Uncle S, and all she could do was scream.

Even when I called Dr A to tell him the news, he needed a few minutes to process it. And had to call me back.

Did you know darling, that your loss would have such an impact on so many people? That it would turn our lives upside down. And even now, 10 months later, we are still in agony, and especially so, when we recall that first time we knew you left us.

I now hope you didn’t think of this too much, because it would have tormented you so, so much. I want to believe your last few minutes were peaceful. Looking at the text messages with Shalini, I know you were. You probably even laughed a bit with the New Year’s toilet joke. I hope you know you have done everything to try to beat this, because you really did.

And when you’re looking down on us, especially when we are sad, know that we will be ok. Especially knowing that you are ok.

Love Mum.