I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

It is that time of the year again. The time you usually look forward to. Remember how every year it would be an “intense” discussion about what our colour theme was going to be for Christmas? And when Jess went to London, these discussions would usually be between you and me. We would look at multiple pictures on Pinterest and come up with all sorts of themes and then send the pictures to Jess for her approval. In recent years, we became more creative, with more interesting combinations.

We also had the weirdest habit of having our Christmas tree up super early and we wouldn’t take it down until weeks into the New Year. Last year especially, you had said we should have it up very early. You said the festive feelings helped you. I think we had everything up even before the end of October! And last year’s colours were blue, blush pink and champagne. You quite liked it!

Almost every bit of storage space in our home is full of Christmas decorations, because of this bizarre plan we had each year of having a different colour theme. I really don’t know what to do with it all. The idea of ever decorating the house for Christmas seems impossible. I guess this, like everything else, will at some stage change.

It feels like all the effort we used to put into Christmas and birthdays and special occasions seem so trivial now. Like why did we waste so much time and effort on these things? But I know it made you happy. And even on days you were not feeling great, you somehow managed to put on a smile on these special days, if not for you, at least for us.

Last year was also the first Christmas with Shalini (although she was not physically here). You had asked me months earlier if we could make a Christmas stocking for her as she had never had one. And I had said I would order one for her online. I also ordered one for you.

The 2 stockings with both of your names still hang on your book cupboard doors. Stark reminders of what should have been. And there will be no Christmas decorations in our home, the first time ever. I don’t know if there ever will be again.

Love you darling,

Mum