I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I am thoroughly convinced that you receive the texts I send you on Telegram. Like I said in my previous post, I have evidence to back this claim up! Every night, before I head to sleep, I text you goodnight and tell you to come see me or your family in our dreams. Sometimes I change up the phrasing, and I say, “Please come and see me before or after you see your family.” I don’t specify which family member to see – that should be your choice – and I also let you choose to see them either before or after you see me (autonomy!). In the mornings when I wake up, I text you good morning and add something I remember about the dream I just had. Like, “I really like the party we had last night” or “That was a pretty weird dream”. On days where I don’t recall seeing you, I also make sure you know that I don’t remember seeing you. Now that I’m writing it down, it kind of sounds like I’m giving you feedback.

The first time I texted you to visit your family members in their dreams was shortly after you passed. I was texting you very frequently, and would ask to see you in my dreams. I think it was a few days after coming back to Singapore and speaking with your family members that I realize maybe you should be told to visit them too. I didn’t tell them that I asked you to, but that night, I texted you something along the lines of, “You don’t have to visit me tonight. I think you should visit your mum because she’s really sad.” The next day, when I met your family, your mum excitedly told me that she dreamt of you! That was the first time I genuinely thought, “Holy shit. You can receive my texts?!” Ever since then, every good night text I send you always has a line reminding you to visit your family too.

The past week, I hadn’t had as many dreams about you. Either that, or I just can’t recall them when I wake up. The other day, your family talked about dreaming about you more recently. And putting the pieces of the puzzle together in my head, I realized that every time one of your family members dream of you, I don’t. Or, if they have half dreams about you (like a snippet before some other dream), I get another half. It’s exactly like what I write to you in my texts – visit your family before or after visiting me. That’s kind of how I’m rationalizing it – you visit your family for the first half of the night, then come see me for the second half, and vice versa. I truly don’t mind sharing. I think the dreams really help us cope. Please keep it up! Oh, and don’t worry, on some days I think the doggies look a little sadder, I also remind you to go visit them too (especially on special days like their birthdays). Maybe that’s where you go when we all don’t dream about you – you’re just playing with the boys!

Apart from the dreams, the signs I ask and receive from you also steer me in the direction of believing you really receive my texts. Last week or so, I thought of a friend of yours and wondered if you were somehow hinting for me to text him. I ignored it (sorry!) and texted you to ask him to text me instead if what I received really was a sign. Less than a few days later, I received a text from this friend of yours. Unbelievable… I guess you’re asking me to be there for them too? I’ll do my best. Thank goodness you have such lovely friends.

Yesterday, I saw a large purple Care Bear and texted you to thank you for the sign. I also had a thought that the Care Bears are so cute, but I didn’t ask to see more of them, though I think i subconciously wanted to. Today, the girl in front of me also had a purple Care Bear plush keychain hanging from her bag. I love plush keychains, especially when they come from a blind box… so are you hinting that I should buy some blind boxes? You truly spoil me – with the purple cars, angel numbers, yellow butterflies, lone crows, names of our children, etc. You’ve been giving me more and more signs lately and I am super appreciative. I hope you know how thankful I am.

And, a few evenings ago, your mum sent me a picture of your phone screen again. Guess what? Well, you sent this sign so I guess you don’t need to guess anything… Your phone showed that there was a SMS from me! I didn’t SMS you, and it was exactly like the other time when all your family members and I “sent” you SMSes. Is this you trying to tell me that you are receiving my texts? By actually showing us you receiving a text from me? Brilliant.

I can’t wait to see you again. And I really hope I’m interpreting your signs accurately. Wouldn’t want you going, “Sha, come on! This one’s so easy! THINK!” I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha