I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

We’re a week past 10 months now. I didn’t think the grief would still be so close to the surface. Honestly, sometimes I cry more than I did before. I think it’s because I know how long it’s been since I’ve seen you. It’s a good reason to cry.

I did ask some friends when losing you is something I can’t ‘use’ anymore. For how long do you have the pass to cry in public and behave like a non-functioning member of society? They said forever. I get what they’re saying. Losing you is a lifelong, permanent thing. But dude, I really hoped it would hurt a bit less by now.

The week before you passed, I naively thought about how much I loved the week between Christmas and New Year. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately because I’m going home soon. Frankly, London has been an excellent bubble for the last 5 months. But it’s getting close enough that we need to think about what we’re going to do when it’s been 365 days.

I was going to write about the whole week before New Year’s Eve, but there’s so much to talk about just the day before. You and Mum were meant to go to Japan for an impromptu trip and needed winterwear. Mum and I were out for lunch, so we came to pick you up.

We did Decathalon first. I was driving and had somehow kept getting lost in the carpark. I remember struggling to park in the diagonal lot, to which you were not surprised.

I loved watching you and Mum try on big, puffy winter jackets. We even got you snow shoes. I played assistant, constantly running to ask the shop attendants questions. One of the few things you trusted me on was my taste in clothes. So you kept looking to me for approval (over Mum, for once) to pick a jacket. I remember us discussing the navy and black one. Which did you buy?

We couldn’t find Mum’s shoes, so we thought about going to Parkway for Uniqlo. Honestly, it was rare for you to be out with us for that long, so I was so pleased when you said yes. When you were well, it was always the most fun for the three of us to hang out. How else did we get through Covid? I had to ask so many Uniqlo staff which type of coat you guys would need. Do you remember the dark green turtleneck we made Mum try on? We both said she’d look great in it.

You guys didn’t want me to feel left out, so I picked up some an army green top. All of us got cubicles facing each other in Uniqlo and alternated showing one another. You came out in a grey HeatTech top that I personally thought was too tight, but you liked. You then came out in a black one a size bigger and agreed that this was better. I was relieved I didn’t have to tell you that. You approved of my top and Mum’s clothes. At the cashier, I impulsively decided I wanted to buy yours and Mum’s clothes. I think I felt guilty that I wasn’t coming on the trip and wanted you guys to know ‘I approved’ or whatever. It’s the only time I’ve truly bought you something with my own money.

We sat at Starbucks with Mum and I sipping pure sugar while you had water. I talked about utter nonsense for most of it. I dragged you and Mum to a jewellery shop after so we could work out what to buy for Mum’s 50th. That’s where we found the ring we had to buy without you a week later. I lost you guys (as always) when you went into Cotton On and liked a Beach Boys T-shirt. You didn’t buy it because you told Mum you could get it online for 5 SGD. Mum bought it for Shalini and I a few days later. We buy a lot of things to feel closer to you.

You were tired by the end. We knew because you put Airpods in. But Mum and I were so pleased you spent that long with us. You didn’t complain at all. We went home after and that was you done for the day. But I treasure that day so much, Josh. I play it over and over again in my head. It’s the last day three of us were together, as we should be.I think it’ll be a while till we are again.

I take a lot of comfort in that day. It reinforces that I’m pretty bloody certain it wasn’t planned. And I do think you were happy when you were with us that day. I really hope you were Josh.

Your favourite actor, Alfie Allen, has a sister who released a frankly excellent album. You should have a listen. Even though I’ve listened to her stuff for ages, I only recently found out she has a song named after him. No, it’s not a sweet song about how much she loves him. It’s a rant over how much he irritates her. If that’s not a sign from you about our relationship, I’m not sure what is.

Love you and miss you so much Josh.

Love,
Jess