I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

My time in Edinburgh and London was spent quite a bit in various bookstores. The bookstores there are lovely. You would love them. I recall the many times Jess, you and me, going to Kinokuniya, and each of us coming out with a new book. Much of your time was spent at the Marvel and DC comics section.

In Waterstones, the books are arranged very nicely. Like each genre’s bestsellers are arranged on a table, which catches the attention of the browsers. When I was looking at one of these tables, I came across this book, “I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki”. I picked it up and then quickly put it back. I was worried the book would give me some advice on how to manage suicidal thoughts and I didn’t want to know there was something I could have done.

The next day when I was chatting with Jess, I told her I had done this. And she said, “Mum, I’m gonna scream at you”. Oops. I think these are the moments she particularly misses you. She had actually told me about this book a few days ago, and more importantly that the author had unexpectedly died (likely by suicide). My perspective (fortunately or unfortunately) changed. The way I thought of it was, despite all she tried and did, she still succumbed to her illness. Much like you.

So the next day, we went to the big Waterstones in Piccadilly to buy the book. It was strangely hard to find. But Jess managed to get it.

It is a beautiful book Josh. Raw, gut-wrenching in many ways, but so apt in transpiring the feelings the author had. It was also good for me to understand some of the feelings you may have had.

There was an interesting section in the book called “free death”. 

“In Hong Seung-hee’s Suicide Diaries, I read about her thoughts on free death. In the same way the Korean word for menopause should not be ‘menstrual shutdown’ but ‘menstrual completion’, she thought that the word ‘suicide’ should be replaced with ‘free death’, a linguistic idea that made an impression on me. There are so many words with highly negative meanings, textures and impressions: abortion, menopause, suicide and so on.

It’s impossible to fathom the sadness of those who are left behind, but if life gives one more suffering than death, shouldn’t we respect their right to end life? We are so bad at mourning in our society. Maybe it’s a failure of respect. Some call those who choose their own death sinners or failures or losers who give up. Is living until the end really a triumph in every case? As if there can be any true winning or losing in this game of life.”

This was the part of the book that made a huge impression on me. 

I realise that I am now on the other side- having already lost you. My perspective would definitely be different if you were still alive.

But this helps me to cope. We will mourn you with respect. We understand that life gave you more suffering than death. You are certainly not a sinner, failure or a loser. In fact, Uncle T, when he visited us at the start of the year, said you were so brave and courageous.

I wish I could change the name “suicide”. Free death would be so much better.

Love you lots darling,

Mum