I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I hope I spelt the title right. Your mum’s letter yesterday was really good! Coincidentally, the night before yesterday, I was thinking about the same tteokbokki book, but for different reasons. A few years ago, I read the first book in the two-part series, “I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki” and strangely, I did not particularly enjoy it. It was sad and very factual, real conversations the author, Baek Se-hee, had with her therapist. But it did not tug at me emotionally. Hence, I did not read the second book. Maybe I should give it a go since your mum said it’s quite good… plus, the circumstances have changed now.

Anyway, I was thinking about that book and Baek because of what the clinicians at my internship clinic said. We were talking about books and one of them named this tteokbokki one. I then said, “Oh, it’s so sad that the author passed.” The two clinicians were quite surprised and after a few mins of talking about how she might have passed, one of them said, “Well, I guess she didn’t want to eat tteokbokki anymore.” Hm. That wasn’t very kind was it… even if it was a joke? These are therapists, mind you. Maybe I’m taking it all too seriously. That got me thinking though, did you also not want to do all the things you wanted to do anymore? Is that really why people choose to go? Rationally, I know it’s not, and I know you did not really have a choice in this – to go through what you went through, to have a tough life. No one chooses that. I’d like to think no one really wants to leave too, unless they have to. I hope Baek is enjoying Heaven now. I heard her books helped a lot of people. Say hi to her for me if you see her, but don’t say I didn’t really like her first book!

Recently, I’ve really been feeling the downsides of “lying” to everyone. Remember how I wrote that I don’t tell people you’ve passed and pretend you’re alive? That’s still what I’m doing, and that’s what I have been telling my internship colleagues since the beginning. It’s getting a little tougher now though, because I have to see them every day and we’re in the “getting to know each other” phase where the questions just keep going. I feel like I can think relatively quickly on my feet, but it is getting harder now as I listen to the other intern talk about going on dates with her new boyfriend. It’s getting quite tricky to feign interest – although… if you were on Earth, I think I’d still be feigning interest because I really don’t like her (for good reason, don’t worry).

It’s getting quite difficult because I’m not sure how to react when she suggests places I can go with you. “This bar is so nice! I went with my partner. You can go with your boyfriend too!” I usually just give a small smile and say we don’t drink – which is true (so, not lying) – but having to do it over and over again gets a little exhausting. Am I regretting starting this lie? I guess not, because if not, I’d have to endure their sad looks every time they look at me and their unending intrusive questions about your passing instead of about our relationship. I think I’d rather tell them about the dates we’ve gone on than how you left Earth. Though, you would tell me that I don’t have to tell them anything. It’s difficult, and I’m still learning how to say “no”.  

It could be because the year is ending and I’m feeling the grief very strongly again. It feels like the start of the year, yet it’s not. It feels like I blinked and suddenly a year without your physical presence has gone by and I’m receiving texts from your friends instead of you. I no longer get sad when I feel a buzz on my watch and it’s not you – because I’m used to that (though some days I still hope for a miracle). It’s scary to think that we have built a new routine where you’re not here – where I eat dinner with your family, not you. That thought is too much for me to think about now, so I’ll say that you’re still here having dinner with us. We just can’t see or hear you, but you’re still here. That helps a little.

Again, I don’t know if I’m taking everything too seriously. I have been quite disappointed in others lately because they aren’t grieving as hard as we are. I spoke to Lynn about this and she gave me a really mature response – that we can’t control how others feel, and they can’t control how we feel too. I’m allowed to grieve and allowed to be upset at others’ for not grieving as hard as I thought they would. This bothered me at the start of the year, and it still bothers me now.

I also worry that I’m becoming a mean person. Sometimes I have to catch myself – how could I expect others to be as sad as I am? It’s different, right? Everyone feels things differently. And then I have thoughts like, “I hope the other intern and her boyfriend breaks up soon (she really isn’t very nice).” And again, I catch myself and think, “How could I wish sadness upon other people?” Gosh… What is happening… I don’t think I was like that a while ago. I can’t just wish happiness upon those who are nice people, can I?

What would you tell me? Come tell me in my dreams and I’ll write it in the next post. Maybe it’ll be good advice for those who are grieving.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha