I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

According to you, it would have been birthday week for me now. Actually, it would have technically started last week. I’ve been in two minds about writing this since the start of the year. Birthdays are big for you, and they are kind of big for us – our relationship was propelled by what we did on your birthday last year, and I’d consider what we did on my birthday to be a big event in our relationship too. I think I’ve stopped myself from writing about my last birthday with you because of how much it means to me and how hard it would be to write about it – knowing that it will never be like that again. I’ve been telling myself that I’ll write about it at the end of the year, around the time of my birthday, to relive the moments again. But now it’s still as hard to write as it was at the start of the year. I’ll try, but I don’t think I’ll do it much justice.

I don’t even know where to begin. Last year, you were already excited for my birthday weeks before the actual day. You kept asking me where we should go, what we should do, what my family usually does… In the end, you told me we’d go to one of your favourite pizza places. I was already excited for it because I knew that you were sacrificing one day of healthy food to eat pizza with me. In the end, we went to a different place, but that’s a longer story and I’ll write about it in the next one. That’s a day I really want to remember, yet I am afraid to look back on it.

You gave me a mountain of presents – something that’s very rare for me. My family doesn’t do presents, so I usually don’t get much. My family also doesn’t really celebrate birthdays. It’s never like yours. We have no parties and no cute traditions like feeding each other the first bite of cake or having Mac’s in the morning. In fact, I’ve always been sad on my birthday because I’ve always had to cater to my brother’s schedule. If he was busy, we’d do nothing until he was free. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be actually surprised on my birthday, always wanted a customized cake, always wanted many presents I’d like. You gave me all of that and more. Funny how I am now begging the universe to let the day go by as normally as it can, when all I’ve ever wanted was for my birthday to be special. I’m trying to forget that it’s my birthday. I know you wouldn’t like that, but I can’t think of anything else I can do.  

A day before my birthday, you gave me the gifts you had prepared. I could tell you’ve been putting in effort for months. You were very on theme and bought me everything I’ve wanted for the past couple of months. I’ve never loved all of my birthday gifts until that day, and I think you’d want me to list them out to show how good you are at gift-giving. You’re actually the best.

I don’t consider myself super childish, but I do like cute things and I know what I like. The first thing you gave me was stacks of presents that were all beautifully wrapped. I’m starting to think your mum, grandma, and Tun might have helped you with these, but they were all very pretty and pink. You sat beside me and took pictures while I opened the gifts one by one. You also instructed me to open them in a specific order.

1. Barbie Cup – This was from you and your mum. You told me that she was worried I wouldn’t use it since we recently bought matching bottles. I told you I’d take it with me to Japan, and I did. When I got back, I used it at home every day up until recently, when I thought it was getting scratched and worn out. It’s now in my Joshua box because I’m worried it’ll get further damaged. You can tell your mum I’ve used it very well.
2. A very pretty watch strap – This was exactly the design I looked at online a few months before we started dating. I have no clue how you managed to get me the exact design I was eyeing, but I absolutely love it and continue to use it up until today. I think it suits my style very well! You’ve always had a good eye for style.
3. Barbie Plasters – I have a thing for cute plasters and I think people might be starting to understand my theme now. I still can’t bear to use these, but I’ve kept them in a place where I can always take ‘em out to look at them.
4. Barbie Mini Fan – Before this, I was using a lousy mini fan our school gave us. It’d always run out of battery and you’d have to hear me complain about the heat. I also still use this, especially when I’m sitting at my study table and the normal-sized fan in my room can’t be turned on (or the flowers I’ve put on my table for you will be blown all over).
5. BIBBLE! – I don’t know if many people know this, but this is also a Barbie thing. You got me Bibble! Bibble is this cute puffball with purple hair and he’s a sidekick in one of the Barbie movies. You’d laugh at me for trying to explain this. At the start of our relationship I was yapping about how I find Bibble so cute and would use Bibble stickers in our chats too. So, you got me Bibble! I still sleep with it every night.
6. Disney Castle Lego – This was when we started our Lego gifting tradition (every occasion, we have to gift each other something Lego). You know how much Disney means to me. I still can’t bear to build this. Maybe I’ll build it when we have our own apartment.
7. The Letter – We have an inside joke about 300-word confessions and you wrote me a 300-word letter for my birthday. This joke started out because a girl we know (who was obsessed with you) sent you a long confession about how much she liked you, and we laughed about it. I jokingly said that I couldn’t believe she wrote you a 300-word confession. And that’s when it began. On our first date, you gave me an envelope and as I was opening it, you said, “This is my 300-word confession,” and you burst out laughing at the look of horror on my face (it was our first date, come on!). Thankfully, in the envelope was your drawing of a middle finger, not a 300-word confession. This letter you gave me for my birthday is so, so sweet. I still take it out to read it once in a while. You signed off with “I love you, Joshua” and I’ve honestly thought of getting that phrase, in your handwriting, tattooed – maybe when I’m the age we said we’d get married. Anyway, this is the sweetest letter I’ve read and I cherish it very much (along with every other gift you’ve given me).
8. Kuromi Night Light – I said I like cute things! This night light ran out of battery late last year but I don’t intend to change it because you once said that you’d buy the batteries for me. I still turn it on every night even when it doesn’t light up – sometimes it does, and I take it as a sign. It’s weird! It ran out of battery late last year, but every now and then, I turn the night light on and it lights up! I take that as you giving me the batteries you said you would.
9. Lightsaber Chopsticks – I like Star Wars. You hate it. We frequently have the “Star Wars vs Dune” debate – one of our favourites. You gave me lightsaber chopsticks that light up! This was also something I’ve been wanting for a while now. I’m waiting to use it when we have our first apartment.

There are actually more gifts, but I’m hitting my word count. I think this warrants a part two. I wish you were here. I’ve been sadder lately, no surprise there. I still struggle to comprehend how things have changed so much. I really, really don’t get it. We’ve been cheated by life. I’m going to have a proper conversation with God the next time I see him. What a bully.

I miss you so much. More than ever. I can’t wait to see you again. Keep sending signs, okay? I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha