I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I struggled to title today’s post. I wanted it to be about Shalini’s birthday which is today. But I struggle to call it a happy birthday. How could it be? Without you?

We have so many memories of last year’s birthday. I think you started planning several weeks ahead. I vaguely recall a conversation where you asked me for a budget, and you said you had to start ordering some gifts. I never knew you would be such a romantic.

It wasn’t just the gifts. You planned the whole day. You asked Ammamma to help you get a personalised balloon, and to bake a cake for Shalini, decorated in pink flowers. You surprised her after school when you both came home, and the house was scattered with pink balloons. She was thrilled, and you were even more thrilled.

You also planned a romantic dinner in Sentosa, and even broke the rules of your diet. There’s even an entry in your computer, that you had one of the best days ever. I am so glad Shalini brought you so much of joy.

Well, as you know, she brings us a lot of joy too. We are all so fond of her. Relatives and friends have all gotten to know her so well. Like I’ve said multiple times, it’s like you left a piece of you behind for us.

I am in Copenhagen today. I felt so bad that I wasn’t going to be in Singapore for Shalini’s birthday. But like she said, and how I usually feel, sometimes these “special” days are better treated as “regular” days now. The days are getting extra heavier. As I left Singapore yesterday, it felt very much that way. H Mama told me to look out the window during my flight- that I may catch a glimpse of some shooting stars. I didn’t see shooting stars. But almost immediately after we were up in the sky, amongst the many, many bright shining stars, there were these 3 stars, in my right upper quadrant of my visual field, neatly lined up, and shining ever so brightly. They followed me all the way from South East Asia to Northern Europe. I wondered if you were telling me that you’re watching over Shalini, Jess and me.

So today Josh, I need you to stay extra close to Shalini. No need to visit the rest of us with signs and dreams. Give her the extra special signs you are so good at giving, and an extra special and long dream. You know how much she needs it.

Love you darling,

Mum