I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’m glad the day is over, but now I’m worried about the end of the year. Is this what life is going to be like – an endless cycle of dreading the next milestone we’ll inevitably reach without your physical presence? How awful. I do want to take a quick moment to thank everyone who made the day less awful though. I think you’d want me to do that too. I don’t know if these people will ever fully understand the impact of their actions and how much it means to me, so if you’re able to help me with this, maybe bless them with good days ahead. I hope I don’t accidentally miss anyone out.

The first few people at the top of this list is your immediate and extended family – your mum, sister, grandparents, Tun, the doggies (can’t miss ‘em), Uncle H, Auntie K and her three little As. They’ve shown me so much love (not just on the actual day) with gifts and texts, always reminding me that you’re still here. I’ll always be grateful. Then there are your friends – S who sent cupcakes “from a far away place”, and some others who sent texts. Again, it is not just on the actual day that I receive kindness from your friends. Surprisingly, I receive texts from them every now and then too. I’d also like to extend a special thanks to S, for indulging me in believing that you’re now some celestial being, interfering and prompting our conversations. You would be upset if I didn’t thank the friend who’s been there for us from day one – our dearest Lynn – who sacrificed her Wednesday evening to distract me from the sadness that is life (I’m thankful for her dinners, flowers, and love too). I’m also thankful that my family didn’t insist on buying a cake. They don’t usually get me one if I’d received one from someone else (like last year, when your grandma made me cake and so my family didn’t get one), but this year I insisted that I didn’t want cake and I was quite worried they’d still spring it on me, but they thankfully didn’t. They were actually quite kind. I think your magic might be working.

Let’s dive into a happy memory now, okay? On 19^th of November last year, at 12am, you texted me, “Happy birthday! See you tomorrow.” This is an inside joke of ours – when it was your birthday, that was the exact text I sent you because we were still just friends, so for my birthday, you sent me the same text (though we were together). I thought it was really cute. I still think it’s really cute. I went back to look at it at 12am last night too. We had school on my birthday last year, but you asked if I could wake up earlier and come over to your place. When I left house that morning, you were standing right outside my gate, holding a ginormous bouquet of flowers. I can still picture you standing right there. I quickly gave you a hug, took the bouquet and placed it in my room, then ran back down to you. We sat in your grandma’s car (she was parked nearby and waiting for us) and she drove us back to your place. The next part is my favourite: We walked to your door and right before I could open it, you said, “Oh s—, I think I left my Airpods in my grandma’s car. Wait, I’ll call her and go get it you can go in first.” I thought nothing of this and turned to open your door, unaware of what I was about to see. I took two steps in, gasped, whipped my head around to look at you (now you had your phone up, filming me), and realized that you had just pulled off the best birthday surprise. I usually catch on to surprises quite well, but this… this I had zero clue.

Your house was beautifully decorated with pink and purple balloons (a big star with my name on it too! That’s still taped to me bedroom wall), presents on the dining table, a customized cake your grandma made for me, and Macca’s breakfast (because you mentioned that it was your family tradition to have Macca’s for breakfast on birthdays). You filmed me as you guided me to sit down in front of the cake. It was honestly beautiful – the best cake I’ve seen. You said your mum, grandma, and Tun helped with it. It had beautiful butterflies, pink icing, and my name! Writing about this is making me tear up again. I am truly still so thankful for last year. We sat down together, cut the cake, you fed me a piece and allowed me to feed you a tiny one (your family tradition too). In the video we filmed, I turned to you after this tradition and said, “I love it. We have to do this forever.” I wish we got to.

I thought you were done gifting me with presents, but you took out another beautifully wrapped gift and said it was from your grandma. You told me she went all over looking for this, and that she was unsure of what to give me. Unwrapping the present revealed a pretty silver photo frame. You were standing next to me and said, “We should print a nice photo of us and you can put this in your room.” I happily agreed. For some reason, we never printed a nice photo of us for this frame. Now, the photo frame holds your picture. It is surrounded by purple petals and beside it sits a vase with purple flowers and a candle always lit. Sometimes I look at the photo frame and wonder why it doesn’t hold our nice photo. Life, right? Cruel.

I hope this letter isn’t too long, but I’d like to thank you too. I’d like to thank you for giving me the best birthday I will ever have (last year), and for ensuring that I’ll survive this year’s. I got quite a few signs today which really helped (you must have listened to your mum). I got the very sweet and kind support from your family and friends which really helped. And I have to remind myself that I still have you, which helps. If I actually listed down every reason I’m grateful for you, the list will likely never end and I’d somehow still leave something out. I truly can’t list it all down. But deep inside, I know that you know I’m grateful, and you know why I’m grateful.

I love you more, always, and forever. I can’t wait to see you again and continue our traditions.

Love always,
Sha