I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Shalini’s birthday was hard, mostly for her, but for us as well. I felt bad for not being there and kept sending her messages- my attempt at distracting her. But her post at the end of the day upset all of us so much. The injustice of this all is sometimes too much to bear. So as Jess was about to land in Copenhagen, I was feeling extremely sad. Sad for you, sad for us, and mostly sad for Shalini.

But then as usual, you came through.

For the benefit of our readers, you and I were planning a trip to Hokkaido. It was meant to be on the 3rd of January, just 3 days after you passed. It was a sudden decision, mainly aimed at trying to get you out of the low mood. And Hokkaido- because we wanted to see snow. Though privileged to visit many countries over the years, neither you nor I had ever seen snow.

After you passed, and obviously the trip getting cancelled, I vowed to never go anywhere to see snow again. It was something you never saw, and I was never going to see it as well. Yes, yes, I know. Doesn’t make much sense. But we all have crazy thoughts.

Well, minutes after I stopped crying after reading Shalini’s post, Jess texted to say she had landed. And seconds later, she said the pilot said it was snowing. I excitedly looked out the window. I first thought a speck of dust or a small feather was flying around. And then I realised it was snowing. I was so happy. It was like you were giving us your approval. And perhaps telling me, “Stuff it Mum. Here’s the snow you wanted to see”.

As we walked out for dinner later, it was properly snowing. The little white crystals caught in our hair, and we welcomed it, despite the freezing cold. The sky on the other side was also a deep, deep purple.

As I write this post, it is still snowing heavily outside. Even more than it was yesterday. But as I look at it, I see the different ways the snow falls. The pattern keeps changing. Sometimes all the snowflakes fall in one direction. And then within seconds, the snowflakes seem to be colliding with each other, in almost a distorted manner. Was this how your mind worked? Sometimes in a super organised manner? And sometimes totally distorted?

I’d like to think you are with us in Copenhagen. Also enjoying the snow. It truly is beautiful. Thank you for sending it our way.

Love you darling,

Mum