I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Today, I’m going to list some of the ways you were quite useful. Mum and I are away without you, and I think your absence feels most prominent when two of us are together. It should feel like we’re at 67% instead of 100%, but it somehow feels a lot less than that.

You were very good at carrying things. You were good before you started working out, but you got far better when you starting going to the gym. You will agree I’m not great at carrying things, so it was very useful to have you there. You would roll your eyes when I made you do it when we were younger. I don’t think I asked you to over the last few years, because you would do it without asking. Groceries and suitcases. It’s hard to carry these and not think about you.

You were so good at navigating. It sounds ridiculous, but you know how shit I am at this. Mum’s better than me, but you were by far the best. I don’t think we would have survived Japan without you. I remember arguing with you over the route to Nara deer park, only to be proven very wrong. Mum and I agree – we can’t go to Japan anymore. It’s not that we wanted to, but we really can’t now. Not just because we will feel your loss even more than we normally do, but more because we’re bound to get lost.

You were good at planning trips. You were good at reading reviews and deciding what we should watch/eat/do. You were good at checking up on me in London when dad upset me. You were good at fixing the internet at Ammamma and Patta’s house. You were good at helping Ammamma order things online (Shalini does this now). You were good at helping Patta walk without a walking stick. You were so good at presents and decorating the tree. You were the best at walking the dogs. And the best at reading Mum.

You were the best at a lot of things (not that I admitted it), but I also miss the things you were good at. I’m having to become better at things you were naturally good at. So is Mum. We hate it. I navigated all of today. Mum carried the groceries and suitcases.

It feels unfair. Like we got scammed. Mum gave birth and raised 2 of us, she should have 2 kids looking after her. I grew up with a sibling, I don’t know why I’m trying to learn how to do life without you. But I know life was most unfair to you. I also know you’re doing your best to look after us from up there.

The snow was a good touch. It made Mum happy. It might be a reach to ask you to send snow to Ammamma and the grandparents in Singapore. Doesn’t hurt to ask. I know you’re rolling your eyes at me right now, but whatever.

Love, Jess