I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Don’t worry, this letter isn’t birthday-related. I realized I’ve unexpectedly wrote last week’s letters all about my birthday. I guess “birthday week” took on a different meaning this year.

It’s time for some fun facts now. Did you know that I still randomly recall new memories of us? I don’t know what triggers these, but sometimes when I walk around school I remember us walking together and suddenly recall something you said. It’s always that – either I can suddenly remember a new memory, or I can imagine you beside me a little easier than usual. I think it’s because the end of the year is coming and we’re missing you more. Six months ago, I thought I couldn’t miss you any more than I already do, but here we are. We’ve come back to the point where I miss you so much I can’t hide it. I just get quiet and tired. I shrink into myself and think about what a terrible life this is. What a horrible way to live.

It feels like I blinked and a year has gone by. I don’t think I’ve done a lot this year. It doesn’t feel like I have. And, I’m scared of starting 2026 too. Is this how it’s going to be like? Every month will be a reminder of your absence, and every new year will scare me all over again. Again, what a bleeping life. At this point, I think the five stages of grief is merely four for me (without acceptance), and instead of passing by each stage, I’m just bouncing around in a sad circle. I jump from depression to bargaining to anger to denial to bargaining to depression to anger… It just keeps going.

A lot of sweet things have been popping up on my social media feed lately. Today I saw a new “theory” that I had not heard before and I sent it to you on Instagram. It’s called the “Sunflower Theory” – none of this is backed by science, by the way. The “Sunflower Theory” basically says that when you give someone sunflowers, you should always give them two. Because when the sun shines bright, sunflowers face the light. But when night falls, and there’s no light to be seen, they turn to face each other; they find light in one another.

I thought about you (obviously) when I read this. How beautiful, isn’t it? I don’t like nature, but it does impress me sometimes. I’d say you’re my sunflower. For some reason, I was a little shy to write this even though I’ve written other lines that are more lovey-dovey. I think there’s a sort of vulnerability in saying that someone’s your sunflower, or that they are your light in the dark. I think of it as a form of undressing – you take away all protective coverings and show the other person your true self, and hope that in the dark, they find light in you. I’d say that even in the dark, or rather, especially in the dark, you’re my light and you’ll always be.

I also saw another post online (that I also sent you) highlighting the odds of two people meeting. It was a picture of the Earth with the caption “all this and I met you” – just a simple thought, but it got me thinking. Yeah, Josh! With more than eight billion people in the world scattered over 195 countries, I met you. I found my sunflower (I reckon that’s not easy to find). Two sunflowers in the middle of the entire Earth. How fascinating the way life works (sometimes).

So even though it is so awful to be alive right now, sometimes I am still reminded of how amazing life is to have allowed our meeting. That isn’t to say I’m all better from the sadness though, I will still miss you for the rest of my life. But, on better days, I think, “at least I have you to miss”. And that doesn’t seem all that bad.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Also, Knight scratched my face today. It was completely my fault – I was trying to practice “high five” with him after not doing it for the past few days and I think he got too excited. Don’t go visiting him and scolding him though! Knowing you, you’d have tried to discipline him and I’d try to stop you (this is our dynamic with the boys). Don’t worry, I’m just telling on him but honestly I’m quite happy about it. I tell myself it’s like a scratch of love (I’m delusional). Plus, it made me laugh! I might be in a better mood today, because I thought, “At least I’ve got a doggie to scratch me. Some people aren’t this lucky.”

Love always,
Sha