I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I thought about this last night, just as I was about to fall asleep, after a while of being sad in bed. I think to be loved is to be seen. Now, I feel like I have written about that before, but I don’t think I’ve fully finished that thought, so let’s hope that last night’s Sha will make some sense.

So, to be loved is to be seen. And I think that’s all people want, really. To live a life, and be witnessed; to have their life be witnessed by the person they love. And I think that’s also something I will miss about having you physically here. Because even though deep down inside, I know that you’re still witnessing every aspect of my life – maybe more than what you could have witnessed when you were physically here – it’s different, right? Like, I can’t just turn and show you something silly or tell you the most irritatingly mundane part of my day. Yeah… and I’ll miss that so much. Who am I going to tell that I walked to get my lunch and a pigeon came too close to me? Who am I going to tell about walking by Pet Lovers and looking at a really fluffy dog getting groomed?

That’s what I think life is about, you know? To be loved and to love and to be seen and to see and have your life witnessed. To choose someone to spend the rest of your life with is essentially to say I choose you to witness every aspect of my life. And to want to be chosen by someone is also to say I want to witness every aspect of your life. Tell me about the waffles you will eat and the pigeons who will come too close to you. Tell me about every irritatingly mundane part of your day because I love you so much I want to be there for all of it. And I miss that. I miss having someone to do that with. I miss seeing and I miss being seen. And although friends and family do that sometimes, it’s different. Friends can see and family can see but it’s different. And it’s such a bonus that we get along so well – that I truly only want you to see. And I miss that. And I’ll keep missing that, like I said, for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure if that made sense to anyone else but me, but I was just brewing that thought in my head last night. Like, that is what life is, isn’t it? To want to be seen. To want to love and be loved. Maybe that’s why people get pets too. I mean, animals are adorable, but it is essentially bringing a little being with a language barrier into your home to love and care for them despite they messes they might make and the money they will spend. And for the little being, life is being brought into a new environment, to a stranger who aggressively tries to give you the best life, and finding love for them. Now that I think about it, the love for a pet might be one of the purest there is. I mean, you love this little one who doesn’t always listen to you and can never speak your language accept the one of physical touch. How adorable. Life can be quite interesting. Love can be quite interesting.

Humans can be quite interesting. Maybe I’ve reached the point of grief where I’m just over-contemplating life. Like, now I’m thinking humans can be quite adorable too (not all though). We endure hours of pain to get a permanent sticker on our bodies. We sit in little moving boxes to get to school or to a job of our choice. We do so many little things that are unconscious signs that we’re still surviving, or trying to survive. I hate being alive right now, but I still get permanent stickers on my body and sit in a moving box to go to school. So maybe subconsciously I am not hating life as much as I think I am. Though, I would say I do it all for you, but I still do it.

And how cute is that too? I’m saying to you, “Life sucks but I’ll do it for you, even if you’re not physically here to keep me company or to see the life I will create for us.” I’d argue that that’s the also one of the greatest forms of love – us, living for you.

I think you’d be proud of us. I think you’d be way proud. I hope you are.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha