I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I just finished reading this book. It was a Facebook prompt and highly recommended about a mother’s love. But I had no idea what the book was about.

*Spoilers ahead for anyone who plans to read this*

The book is written by Lucinda Berry. She is a former psychologist and specialises in childhood trauma. Her books are kind of between fiction and non-fiction.

It is about a teenage boy, Noah, who has sexual tendencies towards young children. I can just hear you saying , “what the hell Mum”. And yes, I know you had absolutely nothing like this. So I’m sorry I am relating part of this story to you.

What I did relate to in the story, was that Noah was unable to recover from his tendencies, and so resorted to multiple attempts of suicide. In his second attempt, I was massively triggered. He is found by his Mum who manages to save him. I spent most of the night after reading this part very regretful. I played our scene over and over in my mind, with an infinite number of “ifs”. But after several hours, I also heard your voice, “ok, so you saved me that time. And then what Mum?”. I somehow consoled myself.

The book took a massive turn though when I continued reading it the next day. I expected the story to be about the Mother getting all types of treatment for Noah, despite not having much support from her husband, and eventually “curing” him. But that is not what happened. After multiple assaults by other kids, Noah is acutely suicidal. His mother tries her best to “keep” him in a psychiatric unit so she can keep him alive. But eventually, he convinces her that death is his only option.

And so his mother does the unthinkable. She plans to assist him in his suicide.

They have a lovely weekend with the family. And then she prepares a cocktail of medications for him to ingest, ensuring that it never traces back to her (she’s a Nurse). After he takes the medications, she gets into his bed and hugs him tight, until he falls asleep and eventually takes his last breath. I can hear you again, “why are you reading these things Mum”.

I know I could have never done this. Or could I have? The beautiful part about this is Noah died with his Mum. Not alone. How I wish you didn’t have to die alone. This upsets me a lot. But I guess you would have never risked me or any of us getting into trouble for doing anything like this.

At the end of the day, the book, though tragically sad, was beautiful to me. The depths to which a Mother will go to to keep her child happy is infinite. I know I didn’t do as much as she did. But I constantly try to make peace with what happened. And I hope that gives you peace as well.

Love you darling,

Mum