I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

This year, I’ve grown more scared than I’ve ever been. I’m scared of a lot of things. Scared that I won’t be able to deal with life alone, scared that I won’t accomplish everything we wanted to accomplish, scared that I’ll get to a point where I’m desperate to die but won’t be able to do it. Lately though, I’ve been scared of people dying. It’s weird. I know I’m ready for it because I’ve gone through the worst with you – I’ve lost you, so now I’m no longer afraid of anyone else dying. But I’m scared that people will die early, specifically by suicide. Is that the same thing? I’m not sure. Maybe. I’ll explain what I mean.

At work, when clients don’t reply for an extended period of time or when they suddenly stop therapy, I get scared they might have passed by suicide. It sounds like a reasonable fear, until you realize that there’s no reason for me to fear this – they didn’t show signs of wanting to leave the Earth. But then again, you didn’t show many signs right before it happened too. We had good conversations, I was supposed to call you in a few minutes, and you were in a good mood the whole day. I don’t know where this fear came from. Is it because you cancelled therapy a few days before you passed? But that was because you were going on a trip with your mum, so the fear really doesn’t make sense.

The fear extends to home too. There was one day I came back in the evening and no one was at home. I was just expecting my helper – who is relatively enthusiastic to open the door and welcome me home (she’s very nice) – but she didn’t that day. The house was eerily quiet, only one light was turned on, and she didn’t respond to my calls when I entered the house. My mind immediately went to, “Oh my gosh, will I find her body somewhere?” Again, she has never expressed any intentions and has no reason to pass on (other than my grandmother’s incessant scoldings) but I immediately had that fear. I tiptoed around the house, slowly turning the lights on and checking every corner, bracing myself for what I was about to see. I went to her room, my grandmother’s room, my room, my parents’… I checked everywhere and at every corner, my heart dropped a little because I was afraid I’d see her body. A few minutes later, she entered the house. She just went out to get some snacks.

I felt quite silly after this, and I genuinely can’t think of why my mind goes to that point, but I really can’t help it either. I’ve just developed this fear that people around me (even people who aren’t close to me) will pass by suicide.

When I hear of people who are going through a tough time, I get this fear too. I get this sinking feeling that I might lose them to suicide, even if they’ve never showed signs. I don’t know, Josh. Is it because I now know that there need not be signs? You said that your friend who passed by suicide showed no signs too. Is that why I’m scared? When I hear of people struggling, I kind of just want to give them a long hug and hope nothing bad happens to them. I can hear you say, “This aligns with the symptoms of PTSD.” You’ve said that to me before. And it might be.

I don’t know if the fear will ever go away, but I think it has made me more empathetic so you’d be happy about that. I don’t know if you’ve noticed by now, but I still can’t say “die”. I usually think, “my boyfriend has passed by suicide” or “my boyfriend has passed on”, but I can’t say “die”. I don’t even think those thoughts very much, considering I try to convince myself you’re still here, but I do that sometimes to remind myself of my reality – before I actually lose my sanity. I’m not sure what to do sometimes – with life, with myself, with my thoughts, my coping mechanisms…

Help me out here, please.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha