I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I realised yesterday that it’s almost been 48 weeks without you. I keep trying to suppress the feelings around it, but my body won’t let me — I feel nauseous, my stomach tightens, and I haven’t slept properly in the last week. I try not to think about the 31st, but the one‑year mark is coming whether or not I want it to.

This time last year, I was getting ready to come home. You were about to start/had just started exams. And the stupid thing is, we had such a nice month. You came with us to so many parties and were so good for all our Christmas celebrations. Sometimes I wonder — did you know it was your last one? Is that why you made it so good? So we’d have happy memories of you at Christmas? My laptop wallpaper is still the five of us in front of the tree. You wouldn’t believe what was about to hit us (or maybe you would, lol).

You’d tell me I’m romanticising last December. In reality, I was angry with you within an hour of coming home. I was stupidly jealous of you and Shalini, even though now I’m so grateful I got to see you two together. And I was annoyed when you suddenly wanted to go on a trip. It was easier to be irritated than admit how bad I suspected things were. Some part of me must have known. Any time I heard your door open late at night, I’d come out to make sure you were okay. Two days before you passed, I wouldn’t let you walk home from the gym alone — I was scared there’d be a detour you couldn’t take back.

But you also gave me so many good memories last December. I remember exactly when you last hugged me. I had landed in Singapore upset over something ridiculous. I held it together until I saw you in the lobby, and the moment you hugged me, I burst into tears. I miss your hugs so much. I can’t even say I miss hugging you — it was always you hugging me, because you were so much taller and broader. We had a routine that December, like we did every time we had school holidays: me sitting on the sofa with my laptop in the morning, you in the kitchen getting your coffee. We went to the gym together constantly, even on the day you passed. And you teasing me was inevitable. I’m so grateful for it now.

I have never dreaded a month more (except for maybe July). I hate seeing the lobby empty when I come home, or sitting on the sofa, or going to the gym. It’s a great excuse not to exercise, at least. But it’s one thing to live with losing you. It’s another to relive losing you. Did you purposely put my finals in January? Nothing will make this easy, but distractions and loved ones soften it.

Hope you’re okay Josh.

Love you and miss you so much,
Jess