I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Shalini’s post got me thinking about what I’m scared about. Perhaps the difference in age and the difference in profession has us in slightly different hemispheres.

Am I scared about people dying? I don’t think so. Of course, we never know until something actually happens. But right now, I don’t think I am. I also feel like I’m not bothered about a lot of things I would usually be bothered by. But then, I also don’t know if I am just telling myself this to console myself.

There are, however, other things I am scared about. Perhaps even more than before.

The one I am most afraid of is wet, slippery surfaces. As the rainy weather approaches again, our apartment lobby is frequently wet. You were the only one who could hold my hand and gave me confidence that I wouldn’t fall. There were many, many times you prevented me from falling. This fear has escalated even more. Last night I had to go out for dinner in town and it was raining heavily. I missed you with every step I took. But then I told myself, you wouldn’t have been there anyway. It was like this in Copenhagen too. The wet, icy surfaces were super scary.

I am also afraid for the dogs. I don’t think they like me very much. Tun looks after them the most. Shalini cuddles them the most. I always thought you would be the one to look after them when they got old and sick. You were so good to them when they were sick. No one can give Caddy medicine like you can. Remember the time Caddy choked on his food? You effortlessly put your finger in his mouth and removed the remnant. None of us can do this.

I am afraid for Shalini and Jess. You would have been such a support to them, and they to you. It is so sad that you will not be there for them.

I am afraid for the many milestones we will continue to see in life. And for the fact that we will need to face them without you.

Am I afraid for myself? That you won’t be here when I get old? I’m not sure. Part of me cannot accept that life will last that long. But as we know, life has a habit of taking us in directions we never expected. So I will deal with that one if and when it happens.

 I hope you are not scared darling. I know anxiety was something you constantly battled. So enough of being scared. Don’t be scared for us. We will find a way to cope.

Love,

Mum