I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I woke up early this morning and missed you more. 

I really miss hugging you. Perhaps not so much the way you were when you passed. But the chubby, squishy you. From the time you were a toddler till about 18 years. You were always so nice to hug. I would sometimes hug you when you were sleeping next to me. And you would sometimes ask me to hug you. You always loved it, and we always loved it too. I think between Jess and you, it was you who liked hugs more. (Jess could take it only to a certain limit). Remember how S Mami would squeeze your cheeks? I really, really miss hugging you like that.

I also miss tickling you. Ok, more when you were a child. You were always super ticklish. The slightest tickle would have you wriggling and laughing away. Again super different to Jess, who is only ticklish on her feet. Remember how you would hold her down and then I would tickle her feet? Memories of some happy moments.

Weeks after you died, Shalini and I talked about how we wished we could have hugged the sadness away from you. If only it had been that simple. We would have ensured an infinite number of hugs, for both yours and our benefits.

I was also thinking this morning about the people with you in heaven. And who would likely hug you (and who you would like to be hugged by). Uncle Patta came to me as number one. He would be nice for you to hug. And of course Periya Patta. Maybe J too? And perhaps you can have tickles with my little dog Cavick.

Now before I go to sleep, I “play” for a few seconds with my new toy- the purple Hedgehog. Can you believe sometimes the Hedgehog will say “more tickles please!”?

I hope you can come and hug us in our dreams too darling. Especially on days we are missing you more.

Love,

Mum