I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’m studying for our exam now so the influx of knowledge makes me think a lot more about your mental health struggles. Although, it’s not that I haven’t been thinking about them, but as I’ve written previously, I actively try to avoid thinking about them… so maybe yeah, I haven’t been thinking about them very much so as to not upset myself.

Today I’ll talk about false memories (because I just studied this chapter in the afternoon). False memories are recollections of events that did not happen or distorted recollections of events that happened. They can be created or influenced by suggestibility, misinformation, or emotions. False memories can feel very real and as you would know, can be quite dangerous. A part of the chapter mentions that therapists can sometimes implant false memories unintentionally or intentionally (bad therapists do it on purpose!). These implanted false memories are often related to one’s childhood. I assume most therapists don’t intentionally do this, because it could really affect their client.

But, this got me thinking. I know that you were largely bothered by things that happened in your childhood towards the end of last year. I also know that after every session with your therapist, you’d somehow be more upset than when you entered. I was naïve and purely worried about you, so I never read into it and assumed that it was because of the emotions that therapy could elicit – talking about emotions can sometimes lead to rumination. But now I’m thinking – what if some of the things you were upset about were false memories? When your mum and I talk about your struggles, we sometimes bring up what you’ve separately told us and we realize that the information doesn’t always align. For example, you’d tell me that xxx happened, and I’d share that with your mum, but she’d say that it either didn’t happen or yyy happened instead. I have multiple examples of this too – things you told me your friends said, things that happened when you were younger, things you did, etc. It could be misinterpretation too, but in a way, that’s also like a false memory.

Now, it’s important to know though, that false memories are not the same as lying. So I know that you must have wholeheartedly believed in what you told me or you wouldn’t have said it. That also upsets me. I get the urge to tell you what really happened or what I’ve learnt, but I can’t. It bothers me that I have to wonder if you know. I hope you’re still with us, and that you now know.

Thinking about that actually really upsets me, because I start to wonder if you could have been saved. What if everything that bothered you didn’t actually happen? You would have been taken away for nothing. I don’t know which is worse – that you left because of something or because of nothing. But I do believe you and the things you went through. I do believe that bad things must have happened for BPD to have happened. So you didn’t leave for nothing.

I’m also not implying that your therapist implanted anything. You mentioned that he’s been nice and he probably saved you too. I might be overthinking, but in my opinion, he has also said things that I wouldn’t say to a client, and in all honesty, I partly fault him for not making the right moves towards the end of last year too. Again… I might be finding someone to blame, so I’m sorry if he’s actually as nice as you say he is.

Learning about false memories also worries me – will I unknowingly distort our memories? False memories can happen with time too. So whilst I may not forget our moments, my brain might reconstruct them and remember something else instead. I might lose a small detail, mix up the dates, or alter the things you said. I hope I don’t, but these are things that can’t be helped. That’s another thing to be sad about. We really like the brain, but I’m getting sad that it’s not helping me keep you here, the same way yours didn’t help keep you here.

This month has not been going too well so far… not that the whole year has been going very well either. Even if I actively avoid thinking about it, my mood dips and I’m feeling sad for “no reason”. I’m not really sure what to do. Distractions and retail therapy help, but it doesn’t do much for long. Talking to people could help too, but it’s not really working as well as I’d hope. We’ll just have to get through it one day at a time, I guess. It’s like we’re back to the first month.

I hope you’re still taking turns to visit us in our dreams. Go see the doggies too! I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha