I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I never actually thought the end of the year would be so bad. Part of me kept thinking to just treat it as another day without you. But we still seem to be so new to this grief thing. Everyday feels worse than the next. And no matter how busy we try to keep ourselves, it feels like a very major exam is fast approaching.

I’ve also realised something Jess and I read at the start of the year. That different people will come to our aid at different stages in this whole tragedy. There are many who have been there for us right from the start, and continue to be there for us throughout. We owe them everything.

But as NYE approaches, it’s interesting how different some of our friends and family are treating it. I am trying not to judge. Honestly, I can’t say how I would have behaved as a supporter.

I had dinner with a few friends the other day. While I was alone with one of them for a brief period, she gently asked, “are you doing anything…..for Joshua….?”. She is actually one of my newest friends. So I was so touched that she asked.

Last weekend, we had tea with a few other friends. One of them, also relatively new to me, was talking about her travels last December. And quietly mentioned that last NYD, she was woken up at 3am by another friend and then couldn’t sleep. So she had gone somewhere. I didn’t quite understand what she was saying. I gullibly thought the other friend had called to wish her for NYD. So I asked what this place was that she went to. And she said she was disturbed so she went to pray. It was only then that I realised the phone call was about you. And I broke down. Everyone else cried with me. I was so touched. She has probably seen you for less than 5 seconds. I don’t think you would even remember her.

And then, unfortunately there are others.

In a group chat of friends I’ve known for years, there is chatter about plans for NYE. Clearly not remembering how our lives turned last NYE. Aunty M was so sweet and privately messaged me if I was ok about the discussions. 

I can’t expect everyone to remember. But I am so grateful for those who do. 

So many have disappointed. But like I told Shalini the other day, for every one person who disappointed, there have been five others who have touched us in so many different ways. And it also shouldn’t be about them. It should be about you.

I hope you are looking down on all of us and feeling as touched.

Love Mum