I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

In less than two weeks I’m leaving for my family trip. I’m worried and anxious for a number of reasons, but I think I’ll write about them in another letter. The other day, Lynn went overseas for work, and she sent us beautiful pictures of the sky. I instantly thought, “I’m so happy that you get to see pretty sights like these all the time.” As much as we say we hope you’re still here with us, and we do hope you are, I also hope that you’re going to all the places you didn’t get to go and seeing all the sights you didn’t get to see. I also know that we always say you paint the skies as much as you plant the signs, but realistically – well, as realistically as one can imagine (you’d say that’s an oxymoron!) – you can’t paint the skies all over the world. So, whilst you paint the ones we can see, I hope you get to see the ones others have painted too.

On your birthday, your Uncle H sent us a picture of another beautiful sky that looked like a ginormous cake. I also hope that whilst you are there and us here, you get to celebrate your milestones too. I had this thought that you’re living at the same pace we are – if I’m graduating, you are too. We’re just living in different places for now. And when I become a psychologist, you will be one too. Maybe you will provide therapy for those who have just joined Heaven and are afraid. You do have the comforting presence they might require. I just hope you get to live out your dreams until we get there and we can all live it out together.

Thinking about the skies you get to see and the absence of pain you must feel (another contradictory phrase!), I’m happy for you. I thought about this for a while, after thinking about how much sadness I feel on the daily and how I wish you could come back. Maybe I’m late to the game, but wishing for your physical presence on Earth could just be selfish. You had good days here, but you will only have good days there. How could I, one who claims to love you, wish for you to come back and suffer some bad days when you could have all good days there? Besides, just because we’re apart doesn’t mean we lose the relationship we have. It doesn’t mean the memories we have are lost. It doesn’t mean anything other than we are slightly farther than five minutes away. And I think, for your happiness, that’s okay. We can be more than five minutes apart for now.

I think my general point is that I should be happy for you. There’s no reason for me not to be other than my own selfish wants. So, I am. I am happy for you that you got what you wanted. I am sad, that we couldn’t accomplish our shared goals on Earth, but as I’ve said multiple times since the start of this year, I will try my best to accomplish them for you. And I am sad that we only got the time we got, but that’s probably nothing compared to the time we will have. So, I am happy for you.

I hope you’ll always have the best time wherever you are. I hope you will always enjoy the sights you see and the skies you paint for us. And if I didn’t say this next line, I’d be a bad girlfriend – I hope you get to meet all the celebrities you didn’t get to meet. I hope you have the most pleasant conversations with them. Oh! And I hope you have all the doggies you want, until your two boys come see you, then you’ll have to let the other doggies go because I think they’d be jealous you’re playing with other dogs (but don’t take them too soon, I really love them so let them stay for longer, please).

Lately, I’ve also been thinking about the person I am and the person I want to be. Whilst I want to make you proud, I also want to make me proud and be the person I wish I have). So, that’s my continuous goal. I hope you are proud. Just between you and me, it’s a little difficult being a nice person to those who aren’t, but I’ll try.

We are all happy for you. Though, I am sorry if we don’t look so happy. We miss you too much.

I love you more, always, and forever. I can’t wait to see you again.

Love always,
Sha