I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

No one asked, but if someone did ask me what made me fall in love with you I’d say it was your kindness. Oh, but before that, I’d say that it’s still ongoing. I think from the time we got together, I just kept falling in love with you – small things you’d do would make me fall in love with you again. But, for ease of answering, I’ll say kindness. It was quick for me to notice that the foundation of all your values was kindness, which aligned with mine. You would do things or base your morality on kindness. And I think that’s the way it should be. That’s how I taught the children at school too – like, don’t lie because that’s not kind to the person you’re lying to.

What others might find challenging to do, you do with ease. Whilst others might pretend not to notice, you will never think twice to help a stranger on the street. I used to wonder how it was so easy for you to be kind. I don’t think I ever considered not being kind, but for a variety of reasons, I was not as willing to help others as you are. Safety is one reason – I was always worried that I might accidentally be approached by a creepy man and end up in a tough situation all because I was trying to help. Besides, I was always encouraged not to help – or rather, punished for helping – so that made me not as willing.

Since being with you, I’ve grown kinder. We stop to figure out how to help strangers on the street, frantically googling for directions. And now, I think I’m still kind even though you’re not physically here to encourage me. I’ve grown less afraid that I’d end up in danger, and am more willing to help, though I am still careful. The other day, there was a girl puking at the train station. It felt natural for me to walk over and help her. I didn’t even think twice, wordlessly squatted beside her, and gave her a plastic bag and some tissues I had. I can feel myself becoming more willing to be kind than ever. I think that’s because of you. And I hope I don’t lose this kindness you’ve given me. Also, before you say, “Kindness is the bare minimum!” No one approached the girl puking on the train station, and kindness is as uncommon as common sense these days.

The next answer I’d say is your intelligence. I’m not sure if you remember this, but the first few times we walked to the train station together, you pretended to hate studying. I don’t think you knew this then, but I was quite displeased with this. I told you I liked studying and thinking, and you didn’t respond. In hindsight, I think you were trying to find a way to take back the lie you just said about not liking studying. Then I told you the title of a paper I was writing, and you kept asking simple questions about it and made it sound like you didn’t understand what I was writing about – which also made me a little apprehensive. It was only a few weeks later that you confessed that you do in fact enjoy studying and asked me more questions about the paper I was working on. I asked you why you pretended to not like studying and you said, “Because I thought people don’t like studying! How would I know you like it? I also kind of thought it would be cooler for you to think I got good grades without studying.” Our conversations after that were all very intellectually satisfying, and I’m glad you are way more intelligent than you first portrayed yourself to be.

This was something I constantly boasted about to my friends – that being with you makes me feel smarter. It’s also something I constantly worry about now – that I’m “losing” my intelligence without interactions with you and your words of encouragement. You’ve always challenged me and made me a better person, and I was afraid that I would lose all of that without your physical presence. Whenever I feel this way, hit by imposter syndrome, I remember what you’ve told me – that if I was as unintelligent as I sometimes feel, I wouldn’t have gotten the grades I’ve gotten and you wouldn’t have dated me (that comforts me – you’re so smart and you think I’m smart, so I’m probably alright). I’m so thankful that I can still hear your words loud and clear in my mind.

There are many more traits of yours that I continue to fall in love with – traits that I have adopted since dating you, traits I’ve worried I’d lose. But it took some reflection for me to realize that I can’t lose these traits. Yes, they could have been adopted from you, but they were also traits you brought out in me. I might have had those traits to begin with, you just bring out the best in me. And, you are still here. I didn’t lose you. So how could I lose the traits you lovingly planted in me? It would be a dishonour to you if I ever became a worst version of myself.

And you know, I always hear this question – “would you rather be kind or smart?” I used to answer “smart” without hesitation, but you’ve taught me that one can be both. Evidently, there’s nothing wrong with being both, and you don’t lose your intelligence when you are kind.

I will always have the traits you brought out in me. I will always have your words gently comforting me. And I will always have you.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha